See My Dreams All Die
by AlexisRose84
Summary: "Suppose you're with child. What will you do then?" "I'll kill myself." Feeling helpless, Mrs. Hughes knows she must do something, anything, to help the soul that is hurting so badly. And if she doesn't do it soon, she fears she'll lose her. Alternate Season 4 story line. Anna/Bates with a side of Mrs. Hughes. -Complete-
1. Chapter 1

_**Because I didn't have enough angst going on in my stories... This story is another season 4 AU from episode 4/5 story. If you have been reading my stories from the beginning, this story will seem like a similar plot from my first story. However, I can assure you that this story will be very different. I feel like there are so many alternative ways you can go with that series plot. This will likely be my last story exploring a different take. It will be angsty; which I know is not surprising with me. **_

_**Thank you for reading! **_

**See My Dreams All Die **

_"Suppose you're with child. What will you do then?" _

_ "I'll kill myself." _

Her fingers interlaced with one another, then unhooked, and back together over and over, as she stood staring out of the window. Time stood still. The darkest of shadows loomed over her, making it hard to do anything, even breathe.

The small clock on her bedside table dinged and she slowly glanced over to it. The stick hitting the bells back and forth, signified it was time to awake and begin her day. For a moment, she couldn't move. Her eyes just remained trained on the small clock and her ears barely registered the noise it was making. Then, with a swift movement, she headed to the clock and shut it off, but the ringing still rang in her ears.

She stepped back and sighed heavily. She had been dressed for hours. Sleep, as always, had alluded her. How she was still standing, she wasn't sure, but she also knew she didn't care.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, her eyes slowly met her own in the mirror. She didn't look there often. Looking at the woman in the mirror didn't feel real. The reflection staring back at her was not her own. Of course, she wasn't sure who she was anymore. A shell of a human. A lost soul. A broken woman.

Her hands tightened together in her lap and her nails bit into her skin. She welcomed the pain, anything to make her feel. Her eyes closed, but then she saw _him_. _He _was there every time she closed her eyes. It was why she slept so little at night. Those dark eyes always peered so deeply in her soul, ready to take the small bit that was left of her.

Quickly, she stood. She couldn't remain in her thoughts any longer. She would go downstairs and work on polishing boots, sewing, or something. Anything would be better than this.

But then her eyes caught the calendar. Her fingers inched up and fell on the date. It was then that her fingers began to tremble. She unhooked the calendar from the wall and flipped back to the previous month.

"No, no, no," she murmured. She flipped it back another month and her lower lip quivered and her head sharply shook back and forth. She dropped the calendar on the floor and pressed her hands firmly against her chest, trying to catch her breath.

Walking over to the side of her bed, she fell to her knees and connected her hands in front of her face. With more conviction than she had ever had, she fervently prayed to God above that it was all a mistake. She had to be wrong. Her hands tightened their grasp and her eyes firmly shut. _Please_, was all she could pray, _please_. It was a desperate plea.

Her body began to shake and she unclasped her hands. A lone tear fell down her cheek. She brought her hand up to cover the tear and swallowed hard. This would be it, she thought darkly. How could she ever survive this? She was already barely holding on; this would certainly throw her over the edge.

The words she had spoken to Mrs. Hughes rang through her head and it made a chill go down her spine. When she had spoken those words, she had been so resolute, so sure. She anxiously twisted her ring around her finger and a sob caught in her throat. It shouldn't belong to her anymore. She grasped at it and with slow movements, pulled it off her finger. She lifted it up to her lips and pressed a kiss against it. Her lips trembled; her world was ending.

She was going to let him go. How, she wasn't sure. She knew he would fight her on it. He would be a fool, she thought. He deserved better. He deserved someone who wasn't spoiled, ruined, or tainted. And he definitely wouldn't want her now.

She gently lifted herself up off the floor and held the ring tightly in her hand. She would tell him this week. She would have to be cruel; it was the only way to protect him, to protect his neck. Then, once the dust of that settled, she would end her life. If she was truly with the snake's child, she would have to die. She could never let John know that truth. This would be the way to protect him.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes called after the girl. She had just observed Anna rebuffing John's attempt to speak with her again. Watching Anna break her own heart over and over, broke Mrs. Hughes'. Anna paused and turned. With small, quick steps Anna made her way back to her.

Anna's eyes refused to meet Mrs. Hughes'. Mrs. Hughes saw Anna's jaw tighten, as she looked down at the floor.

"I don't know why you must be so hard on Mr. Bates," she began. Then she added, "At least you know now, there'll be no baby." It had been several weeks now, nearly a month. For sure, by now, Anna would have signs that that fear would be past.

Anna's breath caught in her throat and she shook her head. "No," she said quietly, her voice just slightly above a whisper. "I…I don't know that."

"Anna….." Mrs. Hughes suddenly felt ill. Her eyes widened and she reached out to grab Anna's hands. Before her, Anna stepped back. "You must tell John." Anna's eyes shot up to Mrs. Hughes' and her face was covered in fear.

"No," Anna replied, her head shaking. "He mustn't know."

"Anna, there must be a chance it is his," Mrs. Hughes felt completely out of her depth. Once more, she attempted to take Anna's hands within her own. This time Anna allowed it. Mrs. Hughes noted how Anna's hands were trembling in hers.

"It…it's not," Anna quietly replied. A lone tear slide down Anna's cheek and followed the curve of her jaw.

"But certainly there's a chance," Mrs. Hughes tried, again. Anna jerked her hands away from hers.

"There's not. I….I had been tracking. We hadn't been able to…." Her words paused. "It…it doesn't matter."

"Mr. Bates loves you, Anna. You have to tell him," Mrs. Hughes pleaded with the girl. Anna's shoulders tightened and she bit down on her lower lip to stop its trembling. "He will be there for you; you'll need him."

"Don't worry about me, Mrs. Hughes," Anna's voice was eerily calm. "I won't be here much longer." Then she turned on her heel and continued back down the hallway.

Mrs. Hughes felt her heart fall in her chest. Certainly, she just meant she was going to turn in her notice, right? But she had a horrible tightness in the pit of her stomach that told her it was darker than that. The words they had spoken a few weeks ago echoed in her head.

_"I'll kill myself."_

**_To be continued..._**


	2. Chapter 2

**_This chapter uses lines from the actual show. I do not own those lines. Thank you for those who reviewed! I'm about to be gone from my computer for several days, so this is my last update until next week. Enjoy!_**

**Chapter 2**

A sudden wave of nausea came over Anna and she had to pause herself in her spot as it passed. Tears welled up in her eyes and she realized this feeling had been happening for days now. She had told herself it was from the stress and lack of sleep, but now she knew what the real cause was.

She stepped into the washroom down the hall and locked the door behind her. Turning on the tap, she quickly splashed her face with the cool water. She welcomed the coolness against her pale, dry skin.

The wave grew stronger. She perched down on her knees and over the toilet. Soon, bile rose up her throat and went into the stark white porcelain. She grasped for something to wipe her mouth, before falling on her bottom and pressing her body against the tile walls. Her knees came up to her chest and she wrapped her arms tightly around them. Closing her eyes, she pressed her head into the nook between her legs and began to pray.

_Please. Please, make me lose it. I….I can't…..Please. _

She started to wonder how she would end her life. There was no way she could scandalize her husband or herself with a child that wasn't his. And once she was gone, the pain would be too. It was the only solution.

Her hand reached into her side pocket and she pulled out her wedding band. The light hit the gold and made it seem brighter than normal. She ran her finger around its curve and her finger ached to have it to return to its natural spot. Placing the ring into the palm of her hand, she closed her hand into a fist around it.

_Please._ She prayed again, her words desperate. _Please make me miscarry. Please. _

She slipped the ring back into its safe spot, before covering her face with her hands. All she and John had wanted was children. It had been their biggest dream. A small child that was their own. And now here she was pregnant with another man's child. Death was her only answer. It was only fitting. All of her dreams had died; she would have to die with them.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John walked into the kitchen to find Alfred opening his letter from the Ritz. Knowing how much the young man wanted this opportunity, he hoped he got it. There needed to be some happiness at Downton.

When Mrs. Patmore told him that he had gotten, John felt a rush of joy for the lad. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and John hoped for the best for him.

"He'll be fine," he assured Mrs. Patmore. "He knows his stuff."

"Of course he does," Mrs. Patmore responded. "Doesn't he, Daisy?"

"He does, yeah."

John turned at the sound of footsteps. It was then he saw Anna. The normal cheerfulness that covered her face was still gone and replaced by the pale, stony expression it now held. She glanced at him quickly, before turning away from his glare. It was something he always noticed; she would never look him directly in the eye.

"What's all this?" Her words tight. But John was glad to see her interested in something, anything. They explained to Anna what had happened and an actual genuine smile grew on her lips. "I'm happy for you, Alfred."

"Anna…" He began. He couldn't stop trying. There was something standing between the two of them and he was going to find out what it was. Anna met his gaze and her face covered in fear. The gong went off and he could tell Anna was relieved.

"That's the gong." And with that, she turned and disappeared back down the hallway. The soft smile he had given his wife still lingered on his lips, but his heart broke even more. Mrs. Patmore tried to reassure him she was just overwhelmed, but John knew it was more than that. Something had happened the night she said she fell and hit her head. She was keeping something from him. He would find out the truth sooner or later.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Anna, if you're in difficulties, I wish you'd tell me," Mary's voice rung behind her. Anna's head slowly shook. No matter how hard she tried to pretend everything was normal, it wasn't working.

"I'm not m'lady. Honestly," she lied. She could feel her voice shaking in her throat. Her fingers came to rest on the bare spot where her ring should be and she swallowed hard. _Not much longer_, she promised herself. _You'll be away from the lies and pain soon_.

When she left Lady Mary's room, Anna felt another wave of nausea hit her harshly. It made her place a fist against her lips. She took in several deep breaths in an attempt to make it go away. It finally passed and she slowly made her way down the stairs.

Anna decided to hide herself away in the boot room. Reaching the door, she paused. Her screams still echoed against the walls and down the hallway. She wasn't sure how no one else heard them, because the sound was deafening.

As she turned her head, she could still see the shadows of the two of them against the walls. It made her entire body shudder. Quickly, she pushed against the door to keep from losing her nerve. Every time she had to go into the room, the most effort came from just stepping inside of it. Once she was inside, she could focus on a task and keep her hands busy.

Grabbing a pair of Lady Mary's shoes, she brought them to the table and began focusing on polishing them. Her eyes remained on the shoes and not anywhere else in the room. She folded herself into her frame as a sharp scream echoed through her head. She shook the memories away.

She rubbed against the side of the shoe, despite its already pristine condition. Nothing in this room could ever be completely clean, not since… Again, she pushed away the thoughts.

It was a few moments later that he walked into the room. Her body slightly tensed, but she tried not to give away how anxious him being near her made her feel. Every time he came near her, she was sure she would be found out, that her shame would come out and shadow them both. She kept her attention on the shoes in front of her, praying he would leave her be.

"It feels strange, standing here next to you in silence," he began. Anna paused her movements. She stared at a spot on the shoe, as if it needed extra cleaning. Her frame was internally shaking, but she kept her outside cool and collected. "Because I love you. I want to find out why you don't love me anymore." The words felt like glass shattering through her heart. With every fiber of her being, she loved him. Her love for him was why she was doing this. It was to protect him.

"You'd think we could talk about it, but apparently not," he finished. Anna could feel her heart racing against her chest. No, it screamed in her ears, you do love him.

"But I don't…." She stopped herself. She hit the shoes against the counter and it was then that John's eyes fell to her hand. They then lingered on her empty finger. She heard him audibly gasp and felt as he reached for her hand.

"Don't," Anna nearly screamed, jerking her hand away. She couldn't look at him, but even keeping her eyes away, she could feel the hurt radiating off him.

"Where's your wedding band?" He questioned. His voice was uneven. Anna glanced down at the floor and she bit down hard on her lower lip. This was it, she thought. This was when she would have to do it.

_Better a broken heart than a broken neck. _She reminded herself.

As she pulled her ring out of her pocket, her hands shook. Slowly, she placed her hand in front of John's face and opened it up to reveal the ring. Her mind focused on the task at hand so that she wouldn't break down into a sobbing mess.

"Here," she said at just above a whisper. "Take it."

"Anna….."

She couldn't look him in the eyes; she knew it would break her. But she knew that she had to do it. The only way he would believe her would be if she looked him straight in the eyes. Taking a deep breath, she brought her eyes to his. The pain staring back at her made her heart break into a million pieces.

Knowing she was doing what was best for him, she reached out and grabbed his hand. She placed the band in his palm and wrapped his fingers around it.

"I….I'm sorry," she finally said. "I….." her words paused. "You…you deserve better." Her lips fell into a crooked line and she could feel her chin beginning to tremble. With quick steps, she walked past John and headed to the door.

"Anna…..this isn't right. You are keeping something from me. Talk to me, please. Just…..just don't do this."

Her resolve was fading.

"I'll be back before the gong," was all she could say, as she rushed away from his painful stare. Once she was out of the back door, she fell against the side of the wall and broke down into tears.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Feeling his jaw tighten to hold back the tears, John tightened his hold around the ring in his hand. He opened his palm and glanced down at the band. It seemed so small in comparison to his palm.

This wasn't right, he thought strongly. He headed toward Mrs. Hughes sitting room and knew that he needed to demand answers from her. Something about the way she had been with Anna let him know she knew what Anna was hiding.

Knocking on her door, Mrs. Hughes told him to come in. John was unable to remain calm. His entire body had begun to tremble.

"I….I am sorry to interrupt your afternoon, but I need to speak with you," John quickly stated. Mrs. Hughes nodded her head. She stood from her chair and walked to the door to close it.

"I'm glad you're here," Mrs. Hughes replied. "I have been trying to figure out how I could get a word with you in private." John's brows furrowed. He hadn't expected that. He had been expecting more secrets and lies that he would have to figure out how to sort through.

"You know what's bothering Anna and why…..why she gave me this," John showed her the wedding band in his hand. Mrs. Hughes solemnly nodded.

"Let's take a seat," Mrs. Hughes told John. John did as he was asked and Mrs. Hughes sat back down in her chair. She clasped her hands tightly in her lap and took in a shuddering breath. "I promised to keep Anna's secret for her," she began. "And I intended on doing just that, Mr. Bates. It was not my secret to tell. She was hurting so badly and I thought I was doing what was best."

John felt his body tense. He had known something was wrong, that something had happened to his wife. The way Mrs. Hughes was speaking made his stomach churn.

"Why have you changed your mind?" He finally asked a moment later. Mrs. Hughes met his eyes and he saw tears swimming in them.

"Because I am worried she is going to do something drastic, Mr. Bates. I believe you are the only one who can prevent that from happening."

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you all for your kind reviews! Again, this chapter will use some actual words from the show. The story will follow the story line on the show, but scenes will be changed and omitted as needed. Enjoy! _

**Chapter 3**

An uneasiness settled in the out of John's stomach. He clinched his jaw, in an effort to keep himself calm.

"What do you mean by drastic?" He questioned. Mrs. Hughes twitched her lips and sighed heavily.

"Mr. Bates, Anna loves you very much," she began. "This secret she has been holding on to was to protect you."

"Protect me…." John said with a shake of his head. It was his job to protect Anna, not the other way around. His hand came up to rest on his chin and he took a shallow breath. "Something happened the last night of the house party when she said she fell and hit her head," he prods.

"Yes," Mrs. Hughes replied. John noted that her voice was shaky.

"Someone hurt her." It's as though everything suddenly added up in his head. The bruises on her face, the way she refused to be touched, and how she could no longer make eye contact. Mrs. Hughes nodded.

"I'm afraid someone hurt her in the worst way imaginable, Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes told him carefully. John's eyes shut harshly and everything made sense. He wasn't sure how he didn't recognize that right away. Perhaps he had known all along, but hadn't wanted to believe it. When he opened his eyes, he saw Mrs. Hughes eying him worriedly.

"Who did it?" He could feel the redness filling his cheeks and the way his jaw trembled with anger. The man that hurt his Anna was a dead man. "Who….who forced her to…." His words caught within his throat.

"That doesn't matter," came Mrs. Hughes answer. John hit his fist against the side of the chair.

"It absolutely does! Who raped my wife, Mrs. Hughes?!" He had expected her to shrink back within her chair, but instead she seemed to sit up taller. Her eyes narrowed and she thinned her lips into a straight line.

"Listen Mr. Bates," she said in an eerily calm way. "I understand that you are angry, but this will not help Anna. She lied to you because she was afraid of what you would do. And right now, Anna needs your help. She doesn't need your vengeance on her behalf. All that will do is end her."

John sat back in his chair at her words. His hand came up to cover his eyes and he could feel the tears threatening to escape. For a month now, Anna had been suffering alone. He had failed to protect her. Once he had somewhat calmed his nerves, he brought his hand back down to his lap. Mrs. Hughes was still sitting up straight and John realized quickly that there was more he needed to know.

"You said you were worried Anna was going to do something drastic? Drastic how? She already said she was ending our marriage. Is she planning on leaving Downton?"

"I wish it were that simple," Mrs. Hughes said with a small shake of her head. A tear slid down her cheek. It was the first time John had seen Mrs. Hughes cry. She took a deep breath, before meeting John's eyes.

"John," It was odd hearing Mrs. Hughes use his Christian name. He sat up and braced himself, because he knew whatever was coming next was going to hurt. "I fear Anna…" She paused. "This is rather difficult to say. A few weeks ago, I spoke with Anna and implored her to tell the police. She wouldn't. I asked her what she would do if she ended up with child and she replied, with complete confidence, that she would kill herself."

"I don't understand," John began, before it hit him. "She….she's pregnant?"

"She very well may be, Mr. Bates. And something she said to me yesterday has led me to believe that she plans on ending her life because of it."

A sudden rush of bewilderment covered John and he fell back into the chair, his hand came up to his mouth and his fingers trembled against his cheeks. He could feel the tears coming, so he glanced up to keep them from falling. His wife had been raped, she was likely pregnant because of it, and she planned on ending her life. All three of those revelations felt heavy and smothering. How had he managed to fail her so badly? One to let this happen to her and two, when it did, where she didn't even feel like she could come to him.

John brought his eyes back down to Mrs. Hughes and he saw that her shoulders had slackened. She was wiping her cheeks with the back of her hands and taking in deep, shaky breaths.

"Why….." John slowly got out. "Why did she come to you?"

"She needed help," Mrs. Hughes told him. "Had she not that night, I think she would have kept it to herself." John's head bobbed up and down, as everything settled heavily on his chest. He felt so incredibly inept with how to deal with all of this.

"Th…thank you," John quietly stated, meeting Mrs. Hughes' eyes. Mrs. Hughes glanced back at him with confusion. So John said it again, but stronger. "Thank you," his words were full of sincerity. "For being there for Anna and for telling me now. I understand why you kept it a secret. And I appreciate you telling me now, for Anna's sake." John stood from his chair and offered Mrs. Hughes a nod. "Thank you, again."

He stepped out of Mrs. Hughes' sitting room and knew that the tears could no longer be held in. Taking slow steps, he paused in a quiet area and allowed the quiet sobs to escape his lips.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Walking through Ripon, Anna's eyes fell on the small church. She clutched her hand against her chest and took in a deep breath. Feeling as though someone could be watching her, Anna glanced around. When she was sure she was alone, Anna ducked into the church.

It was empty. She sighed, relieved. With small steps, she walked up to the front pew and sat down. A heavy breath left her lips and she could feel new tears filling up her eyelids. She placed her hands on the railing in front of her and brought herself down to her knees. Her hands clasped in front of her face and she closed her eyes tightly.

_I'm sorry, please forgive me, _she prayed. The tears slipped between her closed eyes and she could feel the wet tracks as they slid off her chin and landed on her shirt. _I know it is a sinful thought, but please make me lose the baby. I….I can't do this. If…if you don't, then I'll have to commit another sin. I…..Please forgive me. Please forgive me. I don't have the strength…. _

Her fingers fell to her abdomen and gently brushed across it. She felt so incredibly guilty for wishing it away. The poor innocent life within her hadn't chosen to be here either. Briefly, she wondered if there was a way to protect its life. She could run away, have it, and give it away to a family who longed for a family. But that thought was quickly pushed away. If someone found her out, the shame would cover John. She couldn't do that to him. She also wouldn't know how to support herself. No one would hire a single, pregnant maid. No. None of that was possible.

Clasping her hands together again, she took in a deep shuddering breath. _Forgive me for my sins; for whatever I did to make this all happen. Take me away from it all. Forgive me for what I must do. _

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John had been searching for Anna all evening. He saw her briefly when she had returned from Ripon. But in those short moments, she had rushed past him and headed upstairs to Lady Mary. John knew that he would need to find a safe space for the two to talk. It was important for her secret to remain a secret. He didn't want to push her any further to the edge.

At supper, Anna hadn't shown. It was clear she was avoiding him. He didn't see her again until close to midnight. In all honesty, he hadn't known she was still awake. He watched her walk into the boot room. His jaw tightened. Now that he knew what had happened and where, the thought of that room made him sick to his stomach.

John gave her several minutes, before deciding to make his way to speak with her. He prayed he would be able to calm her fears and show her his deep love for her. That she would believe him when he said he could be there to stand by her no matter what.

Opening the door, John saw her glance up at him quickly. He could tell she didn't want him there, but she didn't say anything. Instead, almost as quickly as she had looked at him, her eyes looked away. She ignored his presence and continued to work on buffing the shoe in her hand.

Closing the door behind him, he took in a deep breath. He reminded himself that he had to be strong for Anna, while also bracing himself for her to push him away. He placed his cane on the table and made small steps closer to his wife.

"Aren't you ever going to finish that? It's nearly midnight." He kept his voice calm and kind. Anna continued to avoid his eyes.

"Someone has to do it."

"But it doesn't always have to be you," he quickly told her. Anna breathed heavily, before scrubbing harsher against the shoe. John reached his hand out and placed it on top of Anna's, making her pause her brushing. She allowed him to pull the shoe and brush away from her hand.

"I know," he murmured. Anna's eyes came up to meet his and her lower lip quivered. His heart broke from the pain that stared back at him. "I know what happened. Mrs. Hughes told me."

"Then she was very wrong!" Anna yelled, standing up from her stool. "It wasn't her secret to tell!"

"Anna, you didn't give her any choice," John gently explained. Anna's lip continued to tremble and she shook her head.

"She didn't have the right…."

"She had all the right, Anna, to tell me about you wanting to harm yourself," his words were strong. He watched her anger fade slightly and she could no longer meet his eyes with her own.

"What did she say?" Anna's voice quivered as she spoke. John felt his jaw tighten and he swallowed hard.

"How….how it happened. When it happened." Jon watched Anna carefully as she shrunk back slightly. "She told me about…." He paused, the words got caught in his throat. "About the baby." At those words, Anna completely folded herself into her frame and walked back several steps.

"Now you can let me go," she said at a near whisper, her eyes remained stuck on the floor. "I….I have shamed you. Divorce me now and send me away. I….I won't fight you."

"Why do you talk of shame?" He asked. "I don't accept that there is any shame in this."

"But I am spoiled for you," she cried. "I….I am pregnant with another man's baby. I….I can never be unspoiled. Don't you see?! I have brought shame upon us, John. I….."

John stepped closer to her and rested his hand on her cheeks.

"You are not spoiled," he told her strongly.

"But…"

"Shh," John soothed. He could feel Anna's entire body shaking beneath his hands. "You are not spoiled," he repeated. "You are my wife, Anna, and I have never loved you more."

"But the baby," her lips trembled. "I….I have ruined our dreams." He swallowed hard. He wanted to ask her how she knew for sure it wasn't his, but he knew now was not the time. He caressed her cheek bone with his thumb and shook his head.

"Anna," he gently said. "You haven't done anything. The man…." His jaw tightened. "The man did this. He….." John let his words fade. Right now the focus needed to be on Anna and thinking about the man who did this would only make him angry.

"Anna," he began again. "When I married you, it was for better or worse. I will love you forever, Anna Bates. I know that with every fiber of my being. Together, we will figure this out. Killing yourself will not solve anything."

"But….."

"I love you, Anna," he told her. "I will always love you. You don't have to go through this alone. I will be with you every step of the way." Anna's hand came up to rest on his and she squeezed his hand.

"Truly? You really mean it?" She asked.

"Truly."

With that, Anna gently pushed his hands off her face and fell into his arms. Once she was safely against his chest, the dam broke and sobs began to escape. John held her tightly, as she cried against him. While he knew this didn't fix anything and that they still needed to discuss the baby and Anna's thoughts of suicide, he was glad that she was now letting him in.

_**To be continued...**_

_**I will work on updates of my other stories this week. Thank you for reading! **_


	4. Chapter 4

_Here is part four. It seems my muse is all about this story right now. You Cry More (Part 1) should be completed soon and then I'll only have three stories going at once. I think after this set, my rule will go back to no more than two stories at a time. I hope you enjoy! Thank you for all the support so far!_

**Chapter 4**

Once her sobs had subsided,John persuaded Anna to go back to the cottage that night. Anna would inform Mrs. Hughes the next day that she was officially moving back into their home. An uneasiness settled over Anna as they reached the front door. Her eyes ran over the door frame and she wondered if she would be able to make it through. It seemed almost like she was cursed, too spoiled to enter a place of their pure love. It didn't matter that John told her she wasn't spoiled; she knew it was a lie.

"Anna?" John's worried questioning made Anna turn her head to him and force a smile on her lips. He unlocked and opened the door, stepping aside to let her walk in first. She took in a deep breath and braced herself, prepared for the door to deny her entry. It didn't. The breath she was holding released itself when she found herself standing right inside the doorway.

John came in behind her and skirted past her. She remained stuck in place, suddenly overwhelmed by all the memories the two had shared in their home. Tears sprung to her eyes and she felt the shadows cover those wonderful memories. She wasn't sure this was right of her, to come back in this cottage. Their home was a sacred place and she was no longer good enough for it.

"Anna, come sit and I'll make some tea," John offered. He was lighting the lamp on their table. His hand motioned for her to take a seat, but she shook her head.

"I…I think I'll get ready for bed," she quietly replied. Feeling uncomfortable, she rushed to the stairs and quickly hid in their room.

The light from the moon was coming in through the curtains and fell on their bed. Seeing the place of so many perfect intimate memories, made her heart nearly stop in her chest. She clutched her hand over her heart and tightly closed her eyes.

What was she doing? Her being here was spoiling all of those precious memories the two of them had made. How could John allow her to ruin those moments?

She suddenly felt the twinge of nausea in the pit of her stomach. It seemed to hit her worse in the evenings and she knew that soon the twinge would wash over her like a large wave. She pressed her hand against her flat stomach and kept her eyes closed. _Please make me lose it, please. Please spare John this shame. Please._

As if the baby were protesting her pleas, the nausea hit her harshly and she was soon having to wretch into a pan near the bed. The bile climbed up her throat again and she threw the rest of her supper up into the pan. She wiped her lips with the back of her hand and then headed to the wash room to clean it out.

When she returned into their bedroom, John was there. He had already stripped down into his undergarments and Anna's cheeks blushed at the sight of him. The redness in her cheeks was from the uncomfortableness she felt seeing him that way. But then she feared that he would want something from her, something she wasn't sure she would ever be able to give to him again. _It's John_, she told herself. _He would never force you. _ Despite the rationalizations in her head, she still felt a shiver flow through her back.

"I'm sorry. I thought you had gone into the washroom to change," John told her. He quickly threw on his night clothes and gave her a small smile. "I'll go downstairs and let you finish changing."

Anna opened her mouth to protest, but it would be a lie. She didn't want to change in front of him; didn't want him to see her body now. She wondered if it would look differently to him; if he would be able to tell she was spoiled just by looking at her bare skin.

She found one of her nightgowns in the top drawer and placed it on the edge of the bed. Her hands began to unclasp her dress, but her eyes couldn't leave the bed. What would she do tonight? She shook her head and decided she would worry about that when the time came. Instead, she focused on getting herself ready for bed.

Once she was done, she stood awkwardly at the edge of the bed. Climbing in seemed wrong. Perhaps she should sleep downstairs on the settee. It would keep her from spoiling their shared bed. With a twist of her lips, she contemplated the best action to take. It was then that John knocked on the door.

"C….come in," she forced herself to say strongly. John poked his head in, making sure it was alright, before fully entering the room. As he walked in, she glanced down and began to pick at the hem of her sleeve.

"I….I can sleep downstairs on the settee," she told him, avoiding his gaze.

"Why would you do that?" He questioned. Anna glanced up and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I…I just thought it might be better if….."

"If you feel uncomfortable with me in the bed with you, Anna, I can make up a pallet in the extra bedroom."

The thought of the other room made her body slightly shake. It was where they had planned on making the nursery one day when God blessed them with a child of their own. She thought of how it was such a cruel fate that they had wanted one so badly and that she had gotten pregnant from a nightmare.

"No," Anna whispered. "Stay here."

John nodded and climbed into the bed. Anna remained stuck in her spot. She took a deep breath and then slowly made her way to the bed. She wondered if John could feel it becoming unclean by her touch.

"It's late; we should get some sleep," John said.

"I…I don't sleep," Anna murmured. "I…I can't, not since…." Her words faded and she felt the shame cover her again. John's hand came lovingly under her chin and lifted it so her eyes would look into his.

"Because it haunts you," he stated. Anna nodded and it felt somewhat reassuring that he understood. John's brows furrowed and he caressed her jawline with his fingers. "Can I hold you tonight and see if that helps?" Anna bit down on her lower lip, but she bobbed her head up and down.

"We can try."

Anna turned and adjusted herself within John's strong arms. Her body almost cried out in a feeling of completeness. It was one of the things she had missed the most: his arms making her feel safe and loved.

With her fingers, Anna began to pick at the edge of her nails.

"I….I've been thinking…." She started slowly. Swallowing hard, she forced herself to say it, "There are places I can go to….to get…to get rid of it." She felt as John's arms tensed around her.

"No," he stated strongly. "I won't allow that." Anna turned so that she was facing him. Even in the darkness, she could see the way his jaw was tightened and brows creased in worry.

"But, then the shame of another man's baby won't….."

"Anna, it's dangerous and illegal, absolutely not," he said, with no room for arguing. "I won't risk your life like that."

Anna could only nod. She sighed heavily and turned herself back around. Her only hope now was to lose it. He could act stoic about the entire situation, but Anna knew he wasn't content with the idea of her having another man's child.

"How do you know?" John questioned her a moment later.

"Know what?"

"That the baby isn't mine?" His question broke her heart. Oh how she wished it was his. Tears sprung to her eyes and she was grateful that he couldn't see the pain on her face.

"My cycle had come after our last time together," she answered. "We were supposed to be trying during the days of the house party, but we never had the time. So….so the only person who could be the father was the man who…who..." Her words caught in the knot in her throat. John tightened his hold around her, letting her know she didn't have to say it. "I….I can still find someone to help me end…"

"No," John repeated.

Anna sighed, but didn't say another word. She sunk into his embrace and surprisingly fell into a deep slumber.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John awoke just a few minutes before his alarm was going to go off. He glanced over at the opposite side of the bed and was glad to see that it wasn't a dream. Anna really was next to him. During the night, their bodies had untangled. Now Anna was sleeping on her belly, with her hands tucked beneath her. The snores escaping her lips, let him know she was actually asleep. He hoped she had gotten some decent sleep. He worried about her.

His lips parted slightly and he sighed. He had a pretty good idea who raped his wife. It had to be Mr. Green. It all added up: the timing and the fact that Anna didn't want to tell him. The thought of that snake attacking his wife like that made his fists clinch tightly next to his body.

He shook his head and reminded himself that he needed to focus on Anna right now. Mrs. Hughes said she had threatened to kill herself. When he mentioned it to Anna, she hadn't denied it. She needed him to be strong for her right now. He wasn't sure what they could do about the baby, but he knew he wasn't going to let her do anything dangerous just to make him feel better. Her having another man's baby wasn't ideal and it made him feel sick just thinking about it. But he loved her and if she loved the baby, it was hers too, then he would find a way to deal with it. He couldn't lose Anna, not again. He would do whatever it took to assure her he loved her and that she wasn't spoiled or tainted. The fact that she felt that way made him want to both cry and murder Alex Green.

The high pitched alarm made him jump. He quickly shut it off and glanced back down at Anna. Thankfully, it hadn't seemed to wake her up.

With discreet movements, John slid out of the bed and made his way downstairs. He wanted her to sleep in as long as possible. To make that possible, John decided to begin to make breakfast. They could eat at home and work on being there before their bells rang to call them upstairs.

As he cracked an egg and emptied in to the bowl, he heard Anna's footsteps coming down the stairs. She leaned her body against the wall in the frame between the hallway and the kitchen and bit down on her lower lip.

"What's all this?"

John turned to face her. He kept the bowl in his hands, as he whisked the eggs.

"I thought I might make breakfast for the two of us. I wanted to let you lie in this morning," he explained.

"That's kind of you," Anna replied. She shifted uneasily on her feet and glanced down at the floor. "I….I got some sleep last night."

A soft smile grew on John's lips. "Good. Come on and sit down. I'll grab you some tea."

Anna did as she was told. She sat down on the chair and watched as John began making a pot of tea. It felt odd being back home and having John serve her, as though nothing had come between them.

A few moments later, John placed a cup of tea in front of her with a plate of scrambled eggs and a piece of toast. Anna hadn't realized it until then, but she was starving. She waited until John joined her and then began to quickly eat the eggs.

"Would you like me to make you more?" John questioned, as he saw her plate cleaned in record time. Anna shook her head.

"No, thank you. It was very good," she responded. She went to stand to clean her plate, but John took her hand to stop her. His eyes told her to sit back down and so she did. When she was back in her seat, she found that John's hand still hadn't left hers.

"Why would you kill yourself, Anna? Did you not think that I could support you?" The pain and hurt in his voice made Anna's chin quiver and tears fill her eyelids. She kept her eyes on her hands and shook her head.

"I…..I didn't want you to have to live with the scandal," she said just above a whisper. She heard a sigh of disbelief escape John's lips and felt as his hand tightened around her own. "I thought if I could leave you and then find a quiet way to end my life, that you would be protected. I…."

John's hands came to rest on her cheeks and he turned her face so it would face him. Tears were brimming in his eyes and Anna swallowed hard.

"My darling, it is not your job to protect me. And I would rather live in scandal and shame than be apart from you. Your life means more to me than anything in this world. Without you, I would be nothing. Do you understand that?" Anna nodded.

John slipped his hands from Anna's face and Anna watched as his hand searched in his chest pocket. Soon, he had grabbed Anna's hand. He pulled it to his lips and kissed the bare ring finger. With deft fingers, he slid the ring back onto her finger.

"However. _Whatever. _Whenever," he stated strongly. "I meant those words when I said them before and I mean them now, Anna." Tears slipped down Anna's cheeks and she could feel her hand trembling within John's.

"I…I'm sorry," she whispered. John's hands came up and around Anna's back, pulling her to him.

"Shh, don't apologize, Anna. You and I, we'll get through this together."

_To be continued..._

**_We're almost to episode six. I am trying to figure out how I want to make that fit the new plot. I am following the timeline of the show, as well. I found a site that says around what dates each episode covers. So since some have several weeks or months between and inside episodes, I will fill in those spaces, of course. I think this story could have the potential to be a trilogy following the last three seasons per story, but I am not sure yet. It could at least be two stories with seasons 4 and 6. So we will see. It'll depend on the support of this story and my muse. Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think. _**


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you all for the kind reviews! I hope you continue to enjoy this story! _

**Chapter 5**

Seeing that Mrs. Hughes' door was open, Anna walked up to it and knocked.

"Mrs. Hughes, can I have a word?" Anna asked, before she stepped in and closed the door behind her. Mrs. Hughes held a worried expression on her face. The gravity of the secrets and truth set over the two of them.

"I….I know you told Mr. Bates about me while I was out yesterday," Anna said. Her eyes couldn't meet Mrs. Hughes'. She began to pull on her ring finger anxiously.

"You put me in a difficult position, Anna. I didn't want to betray your trust, but I couldn't let you harm yourself," Mrs. Hughes told her. Anna's head slowly nodded.

"I…." her voice faded. She began to twist her wedding band nervously around her finger. "Did….did you tell him who did it?" With her questioning, Anna lifted her head to meet Mrs. Hughes' gaze. Mrs. Hughes shook her head.

"No, he asked, but I didn't tell him." Anna sighed, somewhat relieved.

"I….I'm moving back into the cottage," Anna said. At that, Mrs. Hughes gave a genuine smile and reached out to take Anna's hands into her own.

"Oh, I am so pleased," she sincerely said. Anna nodded her head and her lips curled into a small smile, before falling into a straight line. She shifted uneasily on her feet and her eyes fell to a spot on the floor.

"I….I don't know what we'll do about the baby. Mr. Bates says that he'll stand by me through it all," she stated quietly. Mrs. Hughes' hands tightened around Anna's and she stepped forward slightly.

"As I knew he would, Anna," she gently replied. "I know it doesn't seem like it will right now, but things will get better, especially with Mr. Bates by your side."

"Perhaps," Anna responded, pulling her hands away from Mrs. Hughes'. "I..I thought you'd like to know." With that, Anna gave her the smallest of nods and ducked out of the sitting room.

Leaving the room, she walked down the hall and passed John. He glanced at her, giving her the sweetest of smiles. Anna attempted to return it, but feared her lips curled awkwardly. When he could no longer see her face, her lips fell into a frown. She knew he didn't deserve her; he didn't deserve the woman she was now. He deserved more.

A harsh wave of nausea filled her frame and she rushed into the washroom, locking the door behind her. Before she could even prepare, the bile rose up her throat and she had to release the contents into the sink in front of her. Tears burned her eyes. She hated this constant reminder of the life within her.

As she washed the bile down the sink, she prayed the same mantra over and over in her head, while she pondered how she was going to survive to the next day.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mr. Bates!" Mrs. Hughes called out when she saw him walking down the hallway. John paused his steps and waited for Mrs. Hughes to come to him. He offered her a kind smile and a nod of the head. "Anna's told me what's gone on between you and I am glad you have convinced her to go back home. Perhaps now you two can find some sort of new normal."

She watched as John's jaw clinched tightly and his shoulders tightened. With a shake of his head, he sighed. "I don't think we are anywhere close to that, Mrs. Hughes. May I ask a favor of you?"

"Yes," Mrs. Hughes replied carefully. She hoped he didn't ask about the attacker; it was the one secret she would keep. She knew Anna would fall further if he had that information.

"Will you keep an eye on Anna? When I can't be around her? I am still concerned she may do something drastic."

"Of course," Mrs. Hughes felt her heart tighten. She had hoped with Anna's return home that her healing would begin.

"Don't send her off to run errands and if she says she has any to run, let me know," John asked of Mrs. Hughes. It felt odd being Anna's keeper, but she knew John was not a controlling husband. If he felt that Anna needed to be monitored, he was very likely doing it for her own good.

"I will, Mr. Bates."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes." Mrs. Hughes began to walk away, but then she saw a look in John's eyes that made her stay put.

"I won't ask you to tell me who hurt Anna, but I have a feeling you know who it is. I won't search him out, because that is not what Anna needs right now. But I have a feeling I know who it was. If he shows back up at this house and even glances at Anna, I won't be able to hold back. He stole her spirit and her self-worth. I cannot let that go."

Mrs. Hughes swallowed hard, but nodded. She couldn't say she didn't feel the same.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

On the walk home, Anna paused her steps. She sharply closed her eyes and pressed her fist against her mouth.

"Anna?" John worriedly asked. He stepped closer to her and gently took her elbow into his hand. Anna was unable to speak. She rushed to the bushes and began to empty her stomach. John came up behind her and placed his hand on her back. He began to rub loving circles, as she continued to wretch into the leaves.

As Anna stood up, John noted the wetness beneath her eyes. He reached out to touch her cheek, but Anna pulled away from him sharply. Her eyes darted away from him and she continued down on their pathway home.

"Anna?" He questioned after her. "Anna?" He reached for her arm.

"Don't!" She nearly screamed. "Don't touch me!" Anna turned back around and quickened her pace. John decided to let her walk ahead. The last thing he wanted to do was to upset her more.

When he reached their cottage, he found the door ajar. Walking in, he closed the door behind him. His ears perked up, when he heard crying coming from upstairs. With quick steps, he went to their bedroom. Pushing the door open, he scanned the room. His face fell as he found Anna pushed up against the wall in a corner of the room. He went toward her quietly, not wanting to spook her. Then slowly, he slid himself down next to her. He didn't say a word or touch her. He wanted her to know that he was there when she was ready.

Anna's fingers curled around his upper arm, making John look up. Her lower lip was between her teeth and her eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. She lifted his arm and he quickly obliged, so she could lay her head on his chest. His hand came to rest on her back and he pulled her closer to him.

"I….I'm sorry," she muttered into his jacket. "I…I don't know what came over me. The nausea is getting worse and it just keeps reminding me….." Her words faded into the air. She pressed her face deeper into him and let out a shuddering sigh.

"Don't apologize," John stated strongly. "Ought you to see Dr. Clarkson? Maybe there is something he could give you to help?"

Anna's head shook against him. "No," she cried. "I….I can't."

"Why not? It probably wouldn't hurt to see him. He should probably give you an exam and see…" Anna sat up and her eyes were clouded in fear.

"No, John! He can't make me not pregnant. There….there's no point," Anna snapped. Her face quickly faltered and she shook her head. "I…I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm sorry." A tear slid down her cheek and fell on one of John's buttons. He reached his hand up and locked his hand under her chin, so he could lift her head up to look at him.

"I'm sorry," he told her strongly. "I shouldn't continue to push you to something you don't want to do." Anna's eyes searched his face and she quickly wrapped her arms around his neck. She tucked her nose into the nook of his neck and began to cry. John's arms came up around her and he held her close.

"I don't know how to do this, John," she confessed. "How do I make it to tomorrow? How do I keep moving forward?"

"One moment at a time, my darling," he lovingly said. "We'll take it one moment at a time."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna did make it to the next day and the day after that. It wasn't easy, but now she had been back at the cottage for over a week. There hadn't been any good days, but there had been some good moments. A few good moments where she had forgotten briefly about the attack and the baby. They would pass by quickly and then the cloud would cover over her again. But she did know that having John by her side did help those good moments come to life.

Laying out Lady Mary's clothes, Anna spoke briefly with her about the estate. She realized it was the first time she had engaged in a real conversation with her since the last night of the house party. Lady Mary seemed to notice it as well.

"You seem brighter lately," Lady Mary said to her. There was a hint of a smile on her face. "Have things sorted themselves out?"

Anna's mind immediately went to the baby in her belly and her face fell slightly. The chattiness she had just moments before seemed to have left her and she could only respond, "Not quite."

Lady Mary looked at her questioningly. Anna knew she would have to fill in the space with more words or Lady Mary wouldn't drop it. Anna forced a smile on her lips and added, "But it's better."

"And you've moved back into the cottage?"

"I have, milady." Anna felt her body tense, waiting for more questioning. She didn't know what she would say, but she was tired of all the lies. However, she also couldn't tell the truth. She didn't want anyone to know about her shame.

A thankful sigh left her lips, as Mary let it drop. She turned and went to find the jewelry to go with her outfit. Her legs felt a bit unsteady and she paused to take a moment. Over the past few days, she would sometimes find herself become lightheaded momentarily. From reading a book on pregnancy, she found that could happen in the early months. She sighed. It was just another reminder.

Once she had completed her morning duties, Anna made her way downstairs. She needed to mend one of Lady Mary's dresses. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, she found John standing and waiting for her.

"How did you know I would be down right now?" She questioned, but her voice was lighthearted. There was no accusation in her tone. John's lips curled into a smile.

"I didn't. I was hopeful you were though," he said, smiling. Anna returned his smile and felt a light flutter in her chest.

"Walk with me to get some thread?"

"Of course, my darling."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John stood against the stairs, his mind deep in thought. He had been awoken in the night by one of Anna's nightmares. She had thrashed and screamed, waking him up. It had been the first time he had witnessed the absolute fear and terror within her. After she had settled down, Anna informed him that she had these nightmares often. She said she didn't always wake up screaming and crying, that most nights she was silent.

It worried him. He wanted to be able to take all of her pain away. He clasped his hands together in front of him and furrowed his brows. The baby growing in Anna's belly crossed his mind. He knew she struggled with that reality, possibly even more than he did. He was sure, however, that the moment she saw its face that she would love it deeply. It was her child, despite who its father was. And he prayed that when he saw its face that he would see Anna staring back at him and not Alex Green.

A shiver ran down his spine at the thought and he swallowed hard. At that moment, he caught sight of Anna and sat up slightly.

"Penny for your thoughts," she said with a soft smile.

"You'd pay twice that not to know them." And he knew that was the truth. He couldn't burden her with the thoughts in his mind. She already had more than enough in her own. Anna's smile faded and he could tell she worried about him and about how her worries were affecting him.

"If there was anything I could do…."

"It's not your fault; it's mine," he quickly told her. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel badly. He went on to tell her he's a brooder in an attempt to ease her concerns. Anna's eyes darted back and forth down the path and she stepped a bit closer to John.

"I…. I'm going to try harder so that you don't have to fret over me all the time," she informed him. John's hand came up to take hers. It was a daring move, out in the open, but no one was nearby.

"You don't have to do anything for me, Anna."

"Well, I'm still going to try," she said, before squeezing his hand and letting go. "I'll see you at supper."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

While Anna did the finishing touches to Lady Mary's clothing, she could feel the beginnings of a headache. She dressed Lady Mary as quickly as she could, because the headache became more severe by every passing moment.

"Are you alright?" Lady Mary asked, concerned. Anna nodded.

"I've just got a bit of a headache, is all," she replied. Lady Mary's lips twisted and she glanced at Anna's pale face.

"I can finish up. Go on downstairs and take a powder or something. If it doesn't get better, have Mrs. Baxter cover for you later this evening."

Grateful for Lady Mary's consideration of her headache, Anna quickly exited the room and made her way back downstairs. The pounding within her head was growing worse and worse.

Reaching the kitchen, she skirted past Mrs. Patmore to grab the box where the powder was. She pulled the powder out and went to the sink to fill a cup of water. As the water filled the glass, her body froze. Even though the kitchen was bustling with the preparations for supper, Anna was thrown back to that night where everything was destroyed. She couldn't move. Her lips quivered slightly and she could feel her body trembling.

"Anna, I need to get to the sink," Daisy gently said, but Anna remained stuck in her spot. Her eyes stuck on the glass.

"Anna!" Mrs. Patmore's voice boomed. It made Anna drop the glass, causing it to shatter when it hit the sink. The sound of the crash made Anna panic. Her body began to shake and harsh breaths left her lips.

"Anna?" Daisy asked concerned. Her eyes darted to Mrs. Patmore, who seemed just as worried as Daisy was.

"Anna?" Mrs. Patmore tried. The others in the kitchen had all paused what they were doing and all eyes were on Anna. Anna didn't notice; her breaths were growing sharper and tears were streaming down from her eyes.

Thankfully, at that moment, Mrs. Hughes walked by and noticed the quietness of the kitchen staff. Her eyes scanned the room and it was then that she noticed Anna in the midst of a panic attack.

Mrs. Hughes quickly took action and walked through everyone to get to Anna. She turned to the staff and lifted her brows. "What is everyone doing just standing there? Get back to work!" Her stern voice made everyone, but Mrs. Patmore and Daisy, get back to what they were supposed to be doing.

"Is she alright?" Daisy questioned cautiously.

"Yes, she's just not feeling well," Mrs. Hughes quickly responded. Her eyes met Mrs. Patmore's, who didn't seem to believe that answer. Mrs. Hughes took Anna's hands in her own and met Anna's eyes. "Love, come on. Let's go into my sitting room for a bit." Anna's head bobbed slightly and she began to follow Mrs. Hughes.

When they reached Mrs. Hughes' sitting room, she sat Anna down into her chair. Anna's breaths were still uneven, but she seemed to be coming back to reality and out of her flashback.

"I am going to go find Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes informed her. "We will find someone to cover for the both of you the rest of this evening."

"No," Anna said, shaking her head fiercely. "I don't want him to worry."

"Anna, Mr. Bates is your husband and he loves you. He needs to know," Mrs. Hughes strongly stated.

Mrs. Hughes left the sitting room and returned with Mr. Bates just mere moments later. He bent down onto his good knee and brought his hand up to Anna's tear stained cheek.

"Let's go home, my darling," he murmured. Anna's hand came up to rest on his and she let out a soft sob.

"I….I just needed some powder for my headache," she cried. She wasn't sure if she was referencing today or the time before. John's thumb caressed her cheek and he sighed.

"Come on, let's go home." He used his cane to help himself stand, before taking Anna's hand into his own to pull her up. He wrapped his arm protectively around her shoulders and gave Mrs. Hughes a grateful nod for coming to get him. Then he led her down the hallway, out the back door, and back to their cottage.

_To be continued..._

**_Coming up is their dinner out. How will it go? I guess we'll have to wait and see. :) I do hope to update soon. Thank you for your continued support! _**


	6. Chapter 6

_This is a rather short chapter for this story, but for the way the story is heading it needed to stop here before I began the next part. Thank you everyone. Enjoy! Oh and as always, some of the lines are not my own and are taken from the show. That'll just be a blanket statement for the whole story. Thanks again! _

**Chapter 6**

He had finally gotten her to sleep.

Once they had gotten home, she had sobbed into his shoulder, holding on to him tightly. As she settled down, he could only get her to eat a few biscuits and drink a few sips of tea. He tried to get her to take something for her headache, but she refused. So he sat with her, as she laid down and slowly fell into a fitful sleep.

John sat beside her with her hand entangled in his own. Her breaths were ragged and cheeks were puffy from all the crying. He gently ran his fingers over the top of her hand and sighed. Placing her hand down next to her frame, he continued to watch her for several more moments.

He was supposed to protect her, but how could he protect her from the memories and flashbacks? His hand came up to cover his mouth. Searching her face once more to make sure she was asleep, he slowly stood up and pulled the covers up higher around her shoulders. He held back the want to kiss her cheek and stepped out of the room.

Safely out of the room, he fell back against the wall and began to sob.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mrs. Hughes, might I have a word?" Mrs. Patmore's voice rang from the doorway. Mrs. Hughes turned to face the woman and nodded her head. Mrs. Patmore closed the door behind her and took a seat across from the woman she knew as a friend.

"I've been around a long time, Mrs. Hughes, and I know shell shock when I see it. Something bad happened to that poor girl, didn't it?"

Mrs. Hughes sighed and her lips drew themselves into a thin straight line, but she nodded. "It did," she agreed. "But I implore you not to share that with anyone, Mrs. Patmore."

"Of course not," Mrs. Patmore quickly responded. "Wouldn't want that. Daisy's already shutting anyone up who is chattering about what happened this evening."

"Good. Anna has been through enough; she doesn't need the rumors flying around Downton."

With that, Mrs. Patmore stood and gave Mrs. Hughes a nod. But she paused before opening the door, "She's going to be alright?"

Mrs. Hughes gave Mrs. Patmore a small smile, "I surely hope so."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Two weeks passed. During those weeks, John and Anna fell into a new routine. A bit of a new normal. With Anna's nausea only seeming to grow stronger with each passing day, John found that if she had a light breakfast of toast and tea to start her day that she wouldn't get as sick before work. Then the work day would go on as it had before everything had changed, except John would make sure to check on her a few extra times during the day. He tried to make sure it seemed innocent, because she would grow angry if she felt he was being overprotective of her. The evenings were always quiet. But bedtime was when Anna would melt into his side and allow him to hold her, as she fell asleep. It was the only way she could fall asleep and not always wake up with a nightmare.

This particular morning, Anna hadn't come down for breakfast yet. His eyes turned to the clock on the wall. They would have to leave soon. He took a seat on the settee and decided he would give her a few more minutes, before going up to check on her.

Upstairs, Anna stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Her eyes were glassy with tears. As she had pulled her nightdress up and over her head, her eyes had glanced in the mirror and had fell on her abdomen. There was the smallest beginnings of a bump formed. Her fingers traced the slight curve and she felt her breath hitch in her throat. It was barely noticeable and she knew no one else would be able to notice, but she did.

When she had read through the pregnancy book, she was able to do the math on how far along she would be by now. She was coming close to eleven weeks. She thought about how much she had wanted a baby and how this moment should have been a thrilling one. The tears slid down her cheeks and she quickly wiped them away.

_Please. _She prayed.

"Anna?" John's voice came from downstairs. Anna twisted her lips and quickly grabbed her black dress off the hook by the door. She threw it over her frame, covering up the evidence of the life growing in her, and called back downstairs.

"Coming!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That evening at dinner, Anna overheard Jimmy and Ivy talking about going on a date. Just two weeks ago, she had promised John she was going to try harder. Perhaps a date was just what the two of them needed. They had been stuck in their new routine, which didn't allow for much growth of their relationship.

Turning to John, she said, "Let's go for a date. We could leave when we've dressed them and be back in time to put them to bed. Lady Mary wouldn't mind. Why not?"

Upon seeing a hopeful smile on his wife lips, there was no way he could deny her the request. "It's been a long time since we went out to dine. Too long." He watched as Anna's smile widened some and he couldn't explain how good it felt to see her smile.

"I quite agree," she replied with a small chuckle. John wanted to reach under the table to take her hand into his own, but decided against it. He was just hopeful that this was a turn to a better tomorrow.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

On the walk home the night, Anna reached over to took John's hand. She glanced over at him and offered him a smile. John squeezed her hand back and smiled in return. He wasn't sure what had brought about this brighter Anna, but he wasn't complaining. He had missed her and it gave him some hope for their future together.

When they reached the cottage, John went straight to lighting the lamp at the table. Anna walked over to him and gave him another smile.

"I'll arrange something tomorrow, book somewhere special," her voice was full of hope and promise. It made John smile.

"If you'd like," he replied. He would do anything to make her happy.

Anna took the seat across from him and her smile faded. He watched as her hands briefly touched her abdomen, before pulling away like she was burned. His brows furrowed.

"I've been thinking," Anna began, her lower lip trembling slightly. "I think I know what to do about the baby."

John sat down, concerned. "What is that, my darling?"

"I know things can't be the same as it used to be. I don't deceive myself about that, but I believe this could be a way for us to move forward…to move past it." John's jaw tightened. He worried she was about to bring up ending the pregnancy again. "I…I want us to be happy again."

"I'm happy whenever I look at you," he responded. Anna's face fell at his words and she sniffled.

"But you aren't are you? Everything is shadowed. Every moment we share is shadowed by what happened and by the baby," she cried. Anna's eyes fell down to her hands and John could see that she was pulling at her fingers. "About a month before the baby is to arrive, we should go on a holiday. We can tell everyone that we want the baby born in Ireland or…or somewhere. Once it's born, we can find it a family to adopt it. When we come back, we can just tell everyone we lost it. No one will ask any questions and then….and then it'll all be settled."

John fell back into his chair, his breath nearly knocked out of him.

"Anna, I don't think that's a good idea," he finally said a moment later. "It's your baby; do you really think you can just give it away like that?"

"But it's not yours; not _ours_," Anna cried.

"But it is _yours_, Anna." He stated strongly. Anna's head shook. Her lower lip was now quivering fast and tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I don't think it'll be as easy as you think it will, Anna. It is _your_ baby."

"If you don't want to come with me, I can do it on my own," Anna replied sharply, ignoring what he was trying to say to her. John sighed.

"Alright," he conceded, knowing that she wasn't going to listen to him right now. "We can do that, if it's really what you want." His eyes searched her face carefully.

Anna's hand reached across the table and grabbed his hand into her own. "It is," she said, determined. Despite her strong words, her eyes were brimmed with tears.

"But if at any moment you change your mind, you have to let me know, Anna," John added. "You are allowed to change your mind."

"I won't," Anna's voice shook. She tightened her hold on John's hand. "With this all settled, we can begin to make happy memories again. Dinner tomorrow night can be a new beginning for us."

John ran his fingers over her knuckles. "Yes, tomorrow we'll have one evening where we don't think about it. Where we leave it all behind." Anna's head bobbed up and down.

"Thank you."

_To be continued... _


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you! As always, some of the lines are not my own. Enjoy!

**Chapter 7**

Anna fussed over what she was going to wear this evening for their date. She had snuck back to the cottage after lunch and began to search through her dresses. There were not many options and none of them seemed right. She finally settled on one. It was light and airy. Thankfully all of her dresses were lose around her belly and it wouldn't show the growth of her stomach.

She unbuttoned her black dress and pushed it off her shoulders, leaving herself standing in her slip. The slip clung to her frame and the small bump was visible against the fabric. Anna's fingers brushed over the bump and she felt a chill run down her spine. Soon it would be hard to hide the bump from John.

_Please_, she prayed. It was in that moment that she realized her last few pleases in her prayers didn't hold the same meaning they had before. She wasn't sure exactly when it had changed. Now her please asked for strength to do what she needed to do; to give the baby away without it tearing her apart. It was only during her prayers that she allowed the feeling to overwhelm her. Most of the day, she pushed down any feelings for the baby inside of her and denied those thoughts. She would find a couple to love it and cherish it. There was no way she could expect John to raise this child. This was the only way.

Glancing up at her reflection, she saw that a tear had slid down her cheek. She pressed her hand against it and blinked harshly. There was no time for dwelling on the future or the past. Right now she needed to focus on her relationship with John. There was no hope for a future if she couldn't get through a date with John.

Pulling the dress over her head, she gave herself a small smile in the mirror. _Good_, she told herself. _Smile and be light. Do this for John, for yourself. Forget about what you must do and focus on the two of you. It's the only way. _

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"You're dining at the Netherby?" Mary asked, happy for Anna. Anna smiled. She had been excited to get the reservation for that evening.

"I know. It's quite something. Isn't it, m'lady? I don't think we've eaten at a hotel, since before we were married." Joy spread through Anna. It was a positive step forward for them. They would get past this. "You don't mind do you?" She added a beat later. While she was certain it would be fine with Mary, she wanted to be sure.

"Not at all." Mary quickly replied. Anna relaxed some, glad to hear the assurance from her lips. "And don't rush back. It won't kill me to get myself to bed."

"I'll be back; don't you worry," Anna said with a small smile. She thought of what the evening could bring; the new beginnings. However, what Mary said next, made Anna's heart stop and smile fade.

"Maybe then we can discuss the news you've been hiding from me," Mary said somewhat playfully. Anna felt as all the color drained from her face. Her stomach began to twist uneasily.

"N…news m'lady?" She sputtered. It was nearly impossible to keep her voice even and calm.

"Anna, I've been pregnant before, you know? I have noticed the sickly way you've been. So how far along are you?"

Anna shifted uneasily on her feet and worried she might just pass out right then and there. Taking in a deep breath, she worked on sounding as natural as possible to her employer.

"A…about three months," she replied.

"Marvelous," Mary beamed. "How absolutely wonderful for you and Bates."

"Y..yes, m'lady. It is," Anna attempted a smile, but she was sure her lips merely quaked. She quickly finished putting the final touches on Mary's look. "I…I should probably get going."

Watching Anna rush out of the room, Mary's brows furrowed. She knew Anna and John had wanted a child. What was that all about?

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Their dinner had started off with a hitch. The maître d made them feel as though they were not good enough for the hotel for dining purposes. Had it not been for Cora, they likely would not have gotten a table.

Now that they were seated, Anna was determined to push aside their rocky start and the fact that Mary knew. She wanted them to enjoy their evening. But it wasn't working. Despite her forced smiles, she wasn't having a good time. The meal just reminded her of what they had before the attack. All it did was magnify their unhappiness now.

"Here's to us!" John tried. He lifted the cup for Anna to clink hers against it. The gesture, however, made her face crumble; her façade fade. She couldn't do it anymore.

"I'm sorry. I was a fool to think we could just pretend like everything is fine. Lady Mary knows…." She paused as a soft sob came up her throat.

"Knows what?"

"That I'm pregnant," she said just above a whisper. Her eyes were glassed over in tears and her eyes fell to her plate. She could feel John staring back at her, so she added, "She….she guessed. She recognized the symptoms. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," John strongly stated. "I'm sorry." Anna's eyes jerked up. "I should have protected you. I'm the failure here, not you."

"Can I interrupt?" Cora stepped to the table and both Anna and John stood. "I wondered if you'd like a lift home. Stark's outside"

While Anna appreciated the kindness from Cora, she wasn't sure they should take her up on the offer. She was still a ball of nerves and worried what would happen if she just randomly burst into tears.

"That seems such an imposition," Anna replied. Cora quickly canceled her worries.

"Not at all."

Without much room for arguing, the two agreed to ride home with Cora. John seemed to understand that Anna was worried, so he placed his hand on the small of her back and gave her a quick rub of support.

On the ride home, the car was awkwardly quiet. Cora attempted a few words here and there to spark up conversation. Both Anna and John would reply kindly, but wouldn't give much in terms of banter. Cora eyed them momentarily, but decided it wasn't her business. She told Stark to take the two of them to their cottage.

"Lady Grantham, thank you, but we still have to go back to Downton to get Lady Mary and Lord Grantham ready for bed," Anna quickly told her.

"Oh nonsense, they can get themselves ready for bed," Cora told the two of them. "It's your date night."

With Cora's encouragement, the two got out at the cottage. They thanked her for the ride home and watched as the car pulled away. Once the car was out of sight, Anna's shoulders slumped. Her night had not gone as she had hoped. John's hand came up to rest on her arm and he gave her a gentle squeeze.

"I….I can't give you what you need," she murmured.

"What? No, Anna. That's not true." Anna didn't seem to hear his words. She took in a deep breath and turned toward the door.

"I'll see you in bed," she said, before disappearing through the threshold.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary came into her mother's bedroom and Cora informed her that she had sent John and Anna home for the evening.

"I thought it silly for them to come back to work after their date," she told Mary.

"I quite agree. I told Anna not to hurry back tonight," Mary added. "It was nice of you to give them a lift." Mary headed to the chair next to her mother and sat down.

"I was glad to, but…." Cora turned to face her daughter. "I may be mistaken, but I'm afraid things have gone wrong between those two." Mary's brows furrowed with worry and her mind immediately traveled back to earlier. She recalled the way Anna's face fell at the mention of her expecting. Mary had half expected Anna's lips to curl into a bright smile and tell her all about the upcoming bundle. Instead, she had surprised her by becoming withdrawn and quiet.

"That's sad to hear," Mary replied. She wondered if that was why Anna wasn't happy about the baby. Were the two unhappy? Anna had moved out of the cottage for a month. Perhaps something had happened.

"It's not just a case of a marriage gone sour," Cora informed her. "Anna's been hurt somehow and Bates feels he should have protected her." Cora quickly turned her head to her lady's maid. "I don't want any of that to leave this room, Baxter."

"Of course not, m'lady."

Mary nearly opened her mouth to inform her mother of what had happened earlier, but she shut her lips quickly. While she was glad her mother had told her about tonight's events, she didn't want to start up any rumors about Anna. What her mother said, however, did make her mind begin to turn in circles.

She told her mother goodnight and headed back to her room. On her way, she thought about the past couple of months and how strange Anna had been. At the time, she assumed Anna and John had a tiff about something small. She recalled the bruises and cuts on Anna's face. Had she not fallen and someone, instead, caused them? And if so, who? Mary wanted to question Anna about it tomorrow, but wasn't sure how to bring it up. Sighing, she decided she would wait and see if Anna gave her a good way to ask her about it.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Late that night, Anna curled onto John and began to run her fingers over his chest. John shifted slightly and circled his arm around her. He felt Anna's breath against him and could tell her breaths were uneven. He hated the pain she was in. He would do anything to make her happy.

"I don't know if I can go back to work tomorrow," Anna confessed a few moments later. "Lady Mary will want to talk about the baby and I….." Her breath hitched in her throat.

"You could stay home. I can tell them you've taken ill," John said. His finger began to idly run up and down her upper arm.

"This is all my fault," Anna cried. Her fingers dug into his shirt, while she hid her face away from him.

"No, Anna, it is not," John had lost count of how many times he told her that. But he would continue to tell her everyday if that was what she needed.

"If I had fought harder or hadn't been nice to him or…" Anna's body began to shake. She didn't realize that she had given away more evidence that Green was her attacker. She was too shaken up. John didn't want to point it out, but he could feel his jaw tighten. Anyone who took advantage of someone's kindness like that was truly evil.

"Listen, my darling, none of this is your fault. Nothing you did caused this," he murmured strongly into her hair.

"But if I hadn't…then we wouldn't be in this mess and I wouldn't have to….." She quickly stopped speaking, realizing that she was giving herself away. Anna turned away from John and buried her head into her pillow. Her body curled up into a tight ball. She wished she could just disappear.

Slowly, John turned toward her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a tight squeeze. He had known this was going to happen, that she wouldn't want to give away her child.

"We can keep the baby, Anna." His words were soft and gentle. "The baby is yours. You are growing it inside of your belly. It shares half of you. I would love anything that came from you, my darling."

Anna's head peeked up and out of the pillow. She turned and met John's eyes.

"You say that now, John, but you can't know you'll feel that way when it comes. What if it wears his face?" John swallowed hard. Anna's eyes studied his face and she turned back away from him. "This is what I want, John. We'll travel and find a couple that needs a baby. It's what's best. I don't want it, anyway. In fact, I wish I had lost it."

He knew she was lying, but he didn't know how to convince her not to do this to herself. She was already going through so much pain and he worried that giving the baby away would end her. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder, before turning back to his back and attempting to go to sleep.

_To be continued..._

_Next chapter will be the trip to America and possibly Green's return. Once we hit episode 8, it will veer more off course from the show. Thank you, as always!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Some of the lines are not mine, they are the show's. The story will veer off course within the next couple of chapters and it won't follow the scenes from the show any longer (Well at least not as much...). Thank you for the reviews, follows, and likes! I hope you continue to enjoy the story_

**Chapter 8**

_His breath was hot against her cheek. Tears had sprung to her eyes, burning her eyelids. She tried to push him away, but it only made him rougher. He grabbed her wrists with his hand and lifted her arms above her head. _

_ "No! Please! Stop!" She screamed, struggling to free her wrists. She could feel his free hand inching up her skirt. She tried to turn to refuse him access, but his knees locked her into place. Her knickers tore. The sound echoed in her ears. She continued to plead for him to stop. He lifted her head, bashing it against the cold floor to subdue her. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she lost consciousness, but only for a moment. As she came to, she saw his mouth coming toward hers. _

_ "No," she pleaded, her voice now small. _

_ "I'm going to show you what a real man is," he told her, before claiming her as his own. _

"NO! NO! Please! No!"

Anna's screams jerked John awake. He turned to find her wailing next to him on the bed. Her eyes were screwed shut, but tears were still streaming down her cheeks. Her arms were pushing against an invisible force above her; her legs trying to kick it away. John frowned. His heart ached deeply for the woman he loved. Anger coursed through his veins at the man that did this to his wife.

"Anna," he calmly began. "Anna, you're asleep. It isn't real." He wanted to brush the stray hair that was stuck in the tears on her cheek, but he didn't want to startle her more. So instead, he just continued to murmur reassurances to her.

Gradually, Anna's eyes flickered open. Her eyes fell to John and immediately, her bottom lip began to tremble. She bit back the sob that wanted to escape and flinched slightly, as John's hand came up to her chin.

"It was only a nightmare. You're here with me; you're safe," he assured her.

"It felt so real," Anna confessed, her voice small. John sighed.

During the nightmare, Anna had turned and thrashed so much that it had caused her nightgown to ride up to right above her belly. The covers had been thrown off, too. Anna quickly realized that she was exposed to John. Her eyes glanced down at the belly that was no longer just a slight bump. No, now at fifteen weeks, it was still small, but a real bump. There was no doubt there was a baby growing inside of her. While she could hide it from those at work, it was getting harder. She was thickening up. Soon, everyone would know.

She watched as John's eyes fell to the bump. He had known it was there, growing. He had noticed the slight outline, however small, in her nightgown and work dress. But this was the first time he was seeing it uncovered. It was more prominent now. Anna felt vulnerable. It was the most John had seen of her since before the attack. It was also his first look at the result of that attack.

John's hand reached out to touch the bump, but he paused his fingers right above it. He glanced at Anna, asking for permission. Anna bit down on the corner of her mouth, but nodded. She held her breath, waiting for his fingers to touch the bump. He slowly placed the tips of his fingers upon it and then ran them around the top.

"Can you feel it move?" He questioned. Anna uneasily nodded. At least, she thought she could feel it moving sometimes. It felt like a small fish swimming around inside of her belly. "It's beautiful," he told her, looking back up at her. His hand splayed against her abdomen and he bent down to press a kiss to her temple.

Anna suddenly felt claustrophic. Her hand pushed his off of her and she pulled the gown back down and over her abdomen.

"It's not," she disagreed.

"Anna…."

Anna turned away from John. "We should get back to sleep. The morning comes quickly. Goodnight, John."

"Goodnight," he sighed. "I love you." He could see her shoulders tighten, but she didn't respond. John was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to sleep for the last few hours they had. He was too worried for his wife.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"We're traveling to America," Robert said to John, the moment John walked into his room that next morning. John felt his face falter, but he attempted to straighten his face.

"What my lord?" He questioned, grappling to understand. America? "When?"

"Today."

No, John thought. He couldn't travel all the way to America. He couldn't leave Anna here without him. But he just nodded his head.

Once he had finished with Robert, John rushed down to Mrs. Hughes. She would have an idea of how to stop this. If he left Anna now, he worried how she would make it to the next day. She was barely holding on as it was.

Thankfully, Mrs. Hughes' door was open. He walked into her sitting room. The sound of his cane, made her turn. She could see the concern on his face; she worried something had happened to Anna in the few moments since she saw her last

"His lordship is going to America," John told her, his voice slightly unsteady.

"What are you talking about?" Mrs. Hughes asked, rather confused. She hadn't heard anything about travels to America.

"A telegram just arrived. He's leaving today. Something's happened to her ladyship's brother." The harsh truth of the matter swept over Mrs. Hughes.

"So you mean you have to go, too."

"I can't leave Anna, Mrs. Hughes. Not now."

Mrs. Hughes sighed uneasily. He was right; he couldn't. As much as she had hoped returning home would return their Anna, it hadn't. She was definitely better with John, but only slightly. She stood and began to twist her hands in front of her frame.

"I'll figure it out," she promised. "Anna needs you here."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

It came to her rather quickly: Lady Mary. She couldn't go to Lord Grantham about keeping Mr. Bates at Downton. Lady Mary would be the one to try. While she knew Lady Mary could be cold, she also knew she had a soft spot for Anna.

When she reached her door, Mrs. Hughes took in a breath and knocked on the door. She heard a voice tell her to come in and pushed the door open. Walking in, she saw that Mary was shocked to see Mrs. Hughes in her room so early in the morning.

"I am sorry to bother you so early, m'lady. I have a rather important favor to ask of you," she began. Mary's brows knitted slightly and she cocked her head a touch to the side.

"Favor?"

"Yes, I am not sure if you have heard yet that your father is going to America." Mary's lips quirked to one side.

"Yes, I had heard that. What does that have to do with your favor?"

"I wonder if it's necessary for Mr. Bates to go with him. It'll be very hard for Anna to lose his support at this time," Mrs. Hughes treaded carefully. She didn't want to give away Anna's secret, but knew that Anna needed her husband right now.

Mary paused what she was doing and met Mrs. Hughes' eyes. "I know that she's pregnant. Papa should be back long before she's due. If he needs to send Bates back early, I will personally arrange it myself."

"It's not just that, m'lady. Anna needs Mrs. Bates right now."

Mary's lips pierced into a straight line. "Why?" In that moment, she knew that her thoughts about something happening to Anna were correct. She could see Mrs. Hughes shifting uncomfortably in her spot. Mrs. Hughes knew what it was.

"It's not my secret to tell."

Mary sighed at Mrs. Hughes response. Then she asked, "Was Anna hurt by someone, Mrs. Hughes?" The look on Mrs. Hughes face let Mary know it was true. Her entire face blanched and lips trembled slightly. Mary's hand flew up to her mouth. "Oh my god," she murmured. "When? How?"

"Lady Mary, I'm not sure you need to hear all the details. All I can tell you is that she was hurt in the worst way imaginable by an evil human being on the last night of the house party. She's still very fragile and needs her husband right now."

Mary nodded. "I….I'll convince Papa to take Thomas along with him."

"Thank you, Lady Mary."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

He found her in the boot room polishing a pair of Lady Mary's shoes. Her lower lip was jutted out slightly, as she focused on a particularly difficult spot. At the sound of his cane hitting the floor, she glanced up. Seeing her beautiful eyes made his heart clinch. How was he going to tell her he was leaving for an unknown amount of time?

"Hi," she quietly said, a hint of a smile on her lips. He returned the smile, but as quickly as it came, it fell from his lips. She noticed it immediately. "What's wrong?"

"His lordship is going to America," John told her, ripping off the band aid. Anna's body stilled.

"America?" He could see her eyes searching his face hopeful that she had heard him wrong. Once she knew she hadn't, her eyes fell down to the shoes in front of her. "When….when will you leave?"

"Today," he gently replied. Anna let go of the shoes in her hands and began to pace back and forth. Her lips were moving, but no words were coming out. John reached out to take her hand, but she jerked away. His eyes widened, remembering where they were. The last thing he ever wanted to do was take her back to that moment.

She finally stopped next to him and slowly nodded her head.

"I won't go," he said, his voice full of emotion. There was no way he could do this; leave her here with everything sitting on her shoulders.

"I see," her voice was shaking. "So you'll leave his lordship in the lurch and probably lose your job, and all of this to help me?" He wanted to scream yes, of course he would. He would do anything for her. "Go home and pack," she squeezed his upper arm, before turning and walking away quickly.

She was trying to stay strong for him. He couldn't lose his job, not now. She made it right outside of the closed door and then she broke down. She didn't know how she was going to survive with him gone. He was her strength; the only reason she got up in the mornings. With him gone, she wasn't sure she would still be here when he returned.

She only allowed herself to wallow in her self grief for a few moments. Straightening up, she headed right back to work. She couldn't let anyone else know her pain. Taking a few steps forward, she saw Mrs. Hughes turn the corner.

"Oh Anna, come and talk to me for a moment."

Taking a deep breath, Anna did as she was told. Walking into Mrs. Hughes' sitting room, she heard her close the door behind her.

"Take a seat." Anna sat down. Mrs. Hughes moved to her own chair. "I….I'm afraid Lady Mary knows what happened." Anna's eyes widened.

"How?"

"Well, I went to ask her to keep Mr. Bates from going to America. I didn't intend on telling her why, just that you needed him here. I'm afraid she guessed," Mrs. Hughes responded, sorrow in her voice.

"And is she?" Anna questioned.

"Yes. She said she's going to convince Lord Grantham to take Thomas instead. Mr. Bates won't be going to America." A wave of relief filled her frame and a few grateful tears slipped from her eyes. "I am sorry for helping her find out," Mrs. Hughes treaded carefully.

Anna shook her head. "No, it's okay. Lady Mary won't tell anyone. I appreciate you speaking up for me on my behalf, Mrs. Hughes. Truly."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That evening Anna had begun to help Mary get ready for bed. The two spoke jovially of Mr. Napier. Anna felt a bit lighter on her feet now that she knew she wasn't going to lose John to America. As their conversation moved past Mr. Napier, Anna knew she needed to take her chance to thank Mary for her help.

"I heard you persuaded his lordship to let Mr. Bates stay here, and I am so very grateful," Anna said, turning to face Mary. Mary glanced down.

"Then you know Mrs. Hughes asked me to intervene." Anna nodded. "And told me why." Anna had to glance away. While she didn't mind that Mary knew, it was still hard to speak about it.

"Yes, so she said." She could feel Mary's eyes on her.

"Do we know who it was?"

Anna's body lightly shook, but she hoped that Mary couldn't tell. She focused on the clothes in her hands, straightening them and fixing them over and over again.

"No. After he….." her words faded. Mary stood from her chair and walked toward Anna.

"Ought you to see Dr. Clarkson, just to make sure?" Anna's head shook. "Anna," Mary said her name so carefully, as if it could break. "Is….is the baby…..?" Anna kept her eyes lowered and slowly nodded her head.

"It is," she whispered. She heard Mary gasp beside her. Anna's fingers fiddled anxiously with Mary's nightgown. "We're going to give it up for adoption," Anna admitted. She wasn't sure why, but she knew she could trust Mary with her secret. "We'll go away and then say I lost the baby. It…..it'll be better that way."

"Oh Anna," Mary finally said, her voice full of concern for her Lady's Maid. "Are you sure that's what you want? Is Mr. Bates forcing you do that?" Anna's head quickly shook.

"No, it was my idea. He's trying to convince me to keep it," her eyes stayed stuck on the lace of Mary's nightgown.

"Well, don't you think….."

"M'lady, I don't mind your knowing. In fact, I'm glad in a way that there is honesty between us again. But I can't talk about it."

"Even to me? Because I want to help. You've helped me, God knows, in the past. And now I want to help you," Mary implored. Anna appreciated Mary's concern and care over her, but it still hurt too much to speak about it.

"I can't talk about it, m'lady, not even to you." Anna turned away from Mary and walked to her vanity. She turned back to Mary a moment later. "Please don't tell anyone about our plans for the baby. I….I don't know that I could….."

"I won't," Mary strongly promised. "That will stay between us."

"Thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John sat at the large table finishing up his breakfast. Anna had already been called up earlier. He was enjoying the bustle of the room, but wasn't joining in on any of the conversations. The night before had been one of their best nights since Anna had returned home. She had been so grateful for the interventions of him, Mrs. Hughes, and Mary to allow him to stay. Anna had melted into his side and slept more soundly than she had in a long time.

The happiness inside of him melted away quickly, when a familiar voice filled the room.

"I think this is the right place." John glanced up. Heat spread through his frame. He had to use every ounce of self-control to not jump right over the table and lock his hands around the man's neck.

"Well if it isn't Mr. Gillingham!" Mr. Molesley happily exclaimed. John's hands tightened around his cutlery.

Others were speaking cheerily to the man, but John couldn't make any of it out. His ears were burning from the anger that was spreading up his body. His eyes glanced to Mrs. Hughes and he could see her body was tensed. Her eyes were narrowed in on Mr. Green. It was another sign that he was right.

It was then that Anna walked in. There was a smile on her face and John was unable to protect her. It all happened to fast.

"Miss Baxter, I wondered if I you could…." Her face went as white as a sheet when she saw Mr. Green standing right there. John quickly ducked his head, so she wouldn't know he knew. For some reason, she didn't want him to know and the last thing he wanted to do was worry her more at the moment.

"If I could what?" Miss Baxter questioned. Anna shifted uneasily, but forced herself to speak.

"If you could let me have some white thread. I seem to have run out."

"Of course." With that, Anna left the room. Mrs. Hughes quickly got out of her chair and headed to follow Anna. John was grateful for that. He wasn't sure how to help her through this without her knowing he knew.

Once Mrs. Hughes was fully out of the room, he bore his eyes into Mr. Green's face. He wasn't sure how and he wasn't sure when, but Mr. Green was going to pay.

**_To be continued..._**


	9. Chapter 9

_Thank you all!_

**Chapter 9**

Mrs. Hughes found Anna in her sitting room. She was pressed back in the same spot where she had found her the night of the attack. Anna was deathly quiet; her knees drawn up to her chest. Her head was tucked between her knees and hidden under her arms.

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes gently said, trying not to startle her. Anna dropped her hands to her shins and slowly glanced up at Mrs. Hughes. It was almost more frightening than the night she first found her. Anna's face was stark white and there was no expression on her features. She almost looked like she saw a ghost. In some ways she had, Mrs. Hughes mused. "It's okay, love. Take a few minutes to gather your bearings."

Mrs. Hughes brought her chair over next to Anna and just sat there next to her. The two sat there for nearly twenty minutes.

"I….I'm sorry for coming into your room. I….I wasn't sure where else to go," Anna finally got out. Her voice was shaking, but otherwise emotionless. Mrs. Hughes offered her a kind smile.

"Oh, Anna, you know you're always welcome in here," she said. Anna let out a shuddering breath and began to inch up off the floor. She kept her hand on the table next to her to keep herself steady. "Perhaps you should go home." Anna's head shook.

"No. I'll get through it," she tried to say strongly. "I don't have a choice. If John realizes…."

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes carefully began. "I….well, I think he may already know that Mr. Green attacked you." At Mrs. Hughes' words, Anna's eyes jerked up and widened.

"What…..how? How does he know? You said….."

"I didn't tell him. He told me that he thought he knew who did it," Mrs. Hughes confessed. Anna's breaths shortened and her head sharply shook.

"No," she cried. "You….You never told me. He'll kill him…..John will hang…..I…." Anna pressed her hands flat against her chest and continued to shake her head. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Mrs. Hughes sighed. "I didn't want to worry you, dear. Mr. Bates told me he wasn't planning on doing anything to the man unless the man came back. I didn't know to expect Mr. Green today or else I would have warned you."

Anna collapsed down into the chair, rested her elbows against her knees, and allowed her head to fall into her hands. Mrs. Hughes eyed her cautiously.

"We'll just have to keep them apart," Anna said a moment later, glancing up. Mrs. Hughes nodded, even though she was sure it wouldn't be that easy. John would likely be looking for ways to sneak away to get to him.

Then Anna stood and straightened her shoulders. Her face was now unreadable again.

"I…..I need to get back to work."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna readjusted the dress laying across her arm. She glanced around the hallway and was grateful to see it full of people. Now she just needed to make it upstairs to Lady Mary's room with no run-ins. Her fear of Green made her skin stand on end. She worried he would try to claim her as his again.

As she reached the top of the stairs leading to Lady Mary's room, she saw John walking into Lord Grantham's room. Their eyes met and she gave him a shaky smile. She needed to pretend that she was doing fine with Mr. Green's return. Perhaps it would keep him from doing something foolish. John smiled back, gave her a wink, and then entered Lord Grantham's room.

Right as Anna was about to walk into Lady Mary's room, she saw him. Alex Green was right there. She wasn't sure where he had come from. Her face blanched and she quickly reached toward Mary's door handle, hoping to escape inside her room. Her hand was stopped when Green's hand circled around her wrist.

"What…what are you doing?" Her eyes darted around her. Certainly he wouldn't do anything right here out in the open. She wanted to scream, but fear kept it from escaping. Green stepped forward, causing her to step back. She continued backwards until he had her pinned up against the wall.

"Leave me alone." It was a plea. All her strength and resolve had left her body. Green's eyes flickered up and down her frame. They finally rested on her stomach. Anna instinctively placed her hands protectively over her swelling belly and attempted to push herself further against the wall.

"Mrs. Hughes seems to think she can scare me," he sneered. Anna's eyes met his and she swallowed the lump forming in her throat.

"What do you mean?"

"She can't protect you, Mrs. Bates," he stepped even closer to her. His breath was hot against her cheek. "No one can protect you." His hand came up to her cheek. She tried to jerk her head away from him, but his hands grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him.

"Let me go," she said, finally finding some strength. "I'll scream." Green chuckled at her attempt to frighten him. His free hand rested upon her stomach and a low groan of appreciation left his lips.

"That cripple didn't father this child, did he?" Green's lips curled into a sneer. "No, that's mine." Anna felt hot tears beginning to fall down her cheeks. She shook her head.

"You…you can't know that," she slowly got out. Her eyes darted around her, but no one was in sight. Like before, Green had known when and how to approach her. He inched his face closer to hers and placed his lips against her ear.

"But you do, don't you, Mrs. Bates?"

The sound of a door shutting made Green quickly step back, but he kept his eyes knowingly on Anna. They fell back down to her growing belly and his lips curled into a wicked grin. Then he turned on his heels and headed back down the hallway.

Anna felt as though her world was crumbling around her. She could barely keep her body from collapsing against the floor. Hands touched her shoulder and she leapt out of her skin.

"Anna?" That voice, she told herself, it's a protective voice. The most important voice. She finally glanced up and saw that John was standing right in front of her. His eyes were full of worry and concern, but they were moving between her and a shadow down the hallway. Realizing it was Mr. Green, his eyes darkened. "What did he do to you?"

Anna couldn't speak. Not caring if she wrinkled Mary's dress, she permitted it to drop to the floor. Then she wrapped her arms firmly around John's waist, before allowing herself to breakdown.

John's arms came protectively around her, but his eyes remained locked down the hallway. He couldn't believe he had allowed that bastard to come near his wife again. He thought he knew where he was and where Anna was going to be. Apparently not.

"What is going on?" Mary's voice stunned them both. Her head was peeking out from her doorway. "Anna? Oh my god, Bates, bring her in here."

Still holding on to Anna, John shuffled the two of them into Mary's room. Mary saw her dress on the floor and picked it up, before coming in behind them. She immediately shut the door, to keep Anna's privacy.

John glanced awkwardly around. His knee was protesting, but he didn't feel comfortable sitting anywhere in Lady Mary's room. He was, however, extremely grateful for her pulling them out of the hallway. The last thing Anna needed were rumors running around the house.

"What's happened?" Mary worriedly questioned. Anna didn't seem to realize where she was. Her body was shaking harshly against John and sobs were leaving her lips. "Should I call Dr. Clarkson?" Mary asked, lost.

"No," John replied, his jaw tightening. "Something happened with Mr. Gillingham. He harassed Anna or…or hurt her. I saw him walking away from her."

"Mr. Gillingham, Lord Gillingham's valet? Why would he…." Her words were cut off when Anna's sobs grew louder at the mention of his name.

She had fallen into the past, John quickly realized. She was having a flashback of the attack and unaware of what was around her now.

"I'll kill him," John snarled, his jaw clinching tightly. Mary's eyes blinked harshly and her jaw dropped.

"He was the one who attacked, Anna," she said, it all becoming clearer. "What can we do to help her now?"

John continued to hold Anna tightly against him. "She's having a flashback. We need to help her calm down."

"How?" John's lips twisted.

"Can…can I sit her on your bed?"

"Of course." Mary went to let down her bed so that Anna could sit comfortably on the sheets. John sat Anna down, before bending down on his knees. He ignored the protesting from his bad knee and just focused on his wife. His hands circled around hers and he ran his thumb in loving circles on the backs of her hands.

"Anna, my darling. It's alright. I'm here. You're safe. You're safe."

It took several minutes, but Anna finally met eyes with John. She sniffled and brought her hand up to her face to wipe the tears away. Upon realizing where she was, she stood and bit down anxiously on her lip. Both John and Mary were eyeing her carefully.

"I….I'm sorry, m'lady. I don't know what came over me." She saw the dress sitting on a chair. It was all crumbled up. Anna sighed. "I….I should take that down and straighten it."

"No, Anna, you sit back down for a moment. Don't worry about the dress," Mary told her. Anna's head shook slightly, while she pulled nervously at her sleeves.

"I…I'll be fine."

"Anna, you're not fine," Mary quickly responded. "What did Mr. Gillingham say and do to you?"

"It was nothing," her eyes darted over to John. He was seething. His hands were in tight fists at his sides and a blush of red was running up from his neck and to his cheeks. "I don't want to be a bother."

"Please, bother me," Mary nearly begged. "It was Mr. Gillingham who attacked you, wasn't it?" Anna's face screwed up painfully and she could feel everything she had worked hard to protect slipping away.

Glancing down at the floor, Anna nodded her head. She heard John let out a low growl. Despite the fact that he knew, hearing it from her cemented it. She closed her eyes and tried to keep herself calm. She didn't want another breakdown like she had just had.

"We need to tell Lord Gillingham." Anna's eyes shot up at Mary's suggestion.

"No!" She was falling again. She could feel her heart racing into her chest and the pounding moving up to her ears.

"I'll handle him," John snarled.

"Now, Bates, all that will accomplish is getting yourself in trouble. Anna doesn't need that," Mary said to him. "We need to get Lord Gillingham in here and speak to him about his valet."

"I just need a few minutes alone…."

The two begun to speak as though Anna was not in the room.

"I understand wanting to hurt Mr. Gillingham, but we have to be smart about the whole thing. Hurting him will only make things worse."

"You don't understand. I apologize, m'lady, but I know what needs to be done."

Anna swallowed hard, before taking a step forward between the two of them. The two stopped speaking and their eyes remained on Anna. Anna straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. First, her eyes moved to John.

"You'll stay away from him," she told him. "I won't have you risking your future, _our_ future defending my honor." John's shoulders slackened some and he sighed.

"And you can't tell Lord Gillingham, m'lady. I…He may not believe me and then I'll be known as….as…." Her words faded and she flashed back to all those years ago with her stepfather and mother. No one had ever believed her then.

"We don't have to tell him what all has happened," Mary assured Anna. "I'll just insist he let him go, tell him he's been harassing the staff. He was harassing you just now, correct?" Anna's eye twitched and she nodded, glancing back down at the floor. Near her, she could feel John's body tense.

"I think it's best if you two go home."

"Truly, m'lady. I'll be fine," Anna opposed. Mary just shook her head.

"You are not fine, Anna. Go home. I'll handle Mr. Gillingham."

At Mary's insistence, Anna nodded. John gave Mary a nod of the head and lead Anna out of Mary's room.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The walk back to their cottage had been eerily quiet between the two of them. Anna was still reeling from the day's events. She wasn't sure that getting rid of Mr. Green was going to be as easy as Mary seemed to think it would be. She also didn't trust that John was going to let it go. Next to her, he was tensed and his face was still red from anger. It scared her.

Entering the cottage, Anna rushed upstairs to change into her night dress. But mainly, she was avoiding John. Now that he knew, she felt a new rush of shame covering her. Once she was safely in the bedroom, she closed the door behind her and rested her frame against it. Closing her eyes, she attempted to even her breaths. Her hands came up over her mouth. At that moment, the baby moved within her belly. It was an unmistakable movement. Her hand pressed against the swell and new tears sprung to her eyes.

He knew.

"I won't let him hurt you," she promised.

Standing up, her shaking fingers began to unbutton her dress and pull it over her head. She focused on the mechanics of getting ready for bed to try to keep her mind off of all that had happened that day.

As she slipped her night dress over her shoulders, she heard a knock at the door. Turning, she saw John peeking through the door.

"Can I come in?" Anna just nodded and went to the vanity to begin undoing her hair. John stepped up behind her and lovingly placed his hands on her shoulders. A sigh passed through Anna's lips and she rested her head back against John.

"What did he say to you?" John questioned. Anna shook her head; her eyes falling to her fingers.

"It doesn't matter," she murmured. The last thing she wanted to do was give John more ammunition to go against Green. Didn't he realize that she needed him here with her right now?

"It absolutely does, Anna. What did he say?"

Anna lifted her head off him and allowed her hair to cascade down her shoulders. She stood from her stool, ignoring his gaze on her. Walking to the window, she pressed her hand against the glass.

"I need you," she finally said. "I…I am falling apart. I need you here, with me."

"I'm here," he stated strongly, stepping closer to her. "I'm right here." She turned to face him and streaks of tears covered her cheeks.

"I can't lose you," she whispered, her voice shaky. John stepped forward and placed his hands on each of her cheeks.

"You won't. I'm right here," he assured her. Anna's hand came up to rest on his wrist and her eyes bore deep into his soul.

"Then leave it, please John. Lady Mary said she will handle it. Let her." John heavily sighed, but nodded. "I…I won't survive without you."

John dropped his hands from her cheeks and pulled her into his arms. Kissing the top of her head, he nodded. "Okay, my darling. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

**_To be continued..._**

_I know this is likely not what you expected right now. The story is finally reaching where the entire story has been planned to go in the next chapter. I don't think it is what you expect, but we will see. Just be prepared for angst. Thank you for reading and for always being so kind with your reviews! Hope you continue to enjoy the story. _


	10. Chapter 10

_As always, some of the lines belong to the show. Most likely this will be the last time I use lines from the show. If that changes, I'll let you know. Thank you for your reviews. :)_

**Chapter 10 **

That night, Anna was curled onto her side. Her eyes stared out the window and she thought of how beautiful the stars were. She felt as John climbed into the bed next to her. He rolled in the same direction as Anna, but kept his distance from her. Anna bit down on her lower lip and turned to face John. With a sigh, she reached out her hand and took his into her own.

"I….I need to tell you something," she murmured, her eyes remained focus on the curves of his knuckles. So strong. So soothing. She had always loved his touch. It always made her feel safe and loved. "I probably should have told you before, but….."

"What is it, my darling?" His words were comforting. He reached his other hand out to rest it on her cheek. She closed her eyes slightly and rested her cheek against his palm. She inched her head up and shocked John by catching his lips with her own. He kept his hand on her cheek and caressed her skin, while her lips gave him the most gentle of kisses. It was the first time they had kissed since before the attack.

Anna slowly pulled away and rested her forehead against John's. Their eyes met. He could see that hers were glassy with fresh tears. His lips fell into a straight, worried line. He wished he could help her find some happiness again.

"I love you," Anna murmured, her own hand coming up to his cheek. "I love you so much, John. And….I'm sorry…."

"Shh," he comforted. "Please don't apologize."

Anna pulled their foreheads apart and laid back against her pillow. John realized that she was still holding his other hand in hers.

"I love you, too," he told her. Anna nodded.

"It's….You know my father was a laborer," she began, her voice shaking.

"And he was killed in an accident at work," John filled in. He had heard this story many times. He knew that Anna had been close to her father. She shared with him many happy memories about her times with him.

"Yes, when I was about six and me and my sister and mother were left destitute," she added. He could feel her shaking next to him, but he couldn't figure out why she was telling him this story now. His hand came up to rest upon her upper arm and he ran lazy circles with his finger against her skin.

"Until he married again." At John's words, he felt her body tense slightly beneath his fingers.

"And your stepfather was an iron worker. I know all of this." He calmly said.

"Not all of it," Anna said, her eyes falling down and back to his hand. "It wasn't much at first. Slight touches, brushing past me." John's jaw clinched. His hand came up to under her cheek and he brought it up so she would look him in the eye.

"You don't have to say more," he told her. A stray tear had slid down her cheek and he used his thumb to brush it away. Anna's head shook.

"I….there's more," she whispered, her lower lip trembling. "My mother didn't want to believe it. I mean, what would she have done if he left?" She paused to take a shuddering breath. "Then one night, he kept looking at me and I knew what was coming. So I fetched a knife from the scullery and I waited in the dark." Anna's eyes closed and suddenly she was there, a small, scared girl just waiting. No one there to help her.

"Are you saying you killed him?" John's words made her pop her eyes back open.

"No," she quickly said. "I threatened him. And when he wouldn't stop, I struck him with a blade. It only cut him….." her words faded. A heaviness fell over John and he used his arm to pull Anna into his chest. "But don't you see, John?" Anna asked into his skin. "There must be something wrong with me. Perhaps I do something that leads them on and it's…it's all my fault."

At her words, John took both of Anna's shoulders into his hands and sat her back some.

"No, no, my darling," he murmured. "None of what has happened to you is your fault."

"But…."

"No," he stated strongly. "Those men were predators. It was _not_ your fault."

"You…you don't doubt, not even a little bit?" Anna asked, her voice small.

"No, and I don't doubt that the sun will rise in the east, either," he said, repeating her words back to her. Anna felt a wave of relief cover her. She grabbed John's cheeks with her hands and pressed her lips against his again. Her kiss went deeper than before and she felt John moan into her mouth.

"Thank you," she said, when she finally pulled away from him moments later. She suddenly felt safe and secure. Her hands came up behind John's neck and her fingers teased with the hairs on his nape. Her lower lip quivered slightly and she bit down on her lip to ease it. "He…he knows about the baby. Knows it's his. He…he guessed. He also told me that no one could keep me safe," she admitted. John's body tensed and a new flood of rage came over him.

"I will keep you safe," John promised. "He won't come near you again. I….I should have watched you closer today. I….."

"What were you doing in Lord Grantham's room anyway?" Anna asked, realizing there was no reason for John to be upstairs with Robert away in America.

"I was trying to stay near where you would be," he confessed. "When I saw that…that snake was back, I decided to try and follow your schedule. So I hid myself away in Lord Grantham's room. I kept myself busy by tiding his shoes a few times."

Anna nodded. "Oh."

"He won't come near you again. I won't allow it."

Anna curled herself into him and felt as John's arms wrapped around her. He pulled her deeper into her chest and kissed the shell of her ear. Not long after, Anna fell asleep safely in his arms.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The next morning, Anna awoke with her back pressed against John's chest. She felt his hand resting firmly above the bump of her belly. Moving the covers off over her, she glanced down at his hand. It was spread out over the bump protectively. She twisted her lips to one side and then gently placed her hand over his and closed her eyes. For one brief moment, she allowed herself to pretend that this baby was _theirs_. A baby they would keep. Would love.

But the moment left as soon as it came and Anna pushed his hand off her stomach and sat up. She glanced back at John, who just turned over in his sleep. The most distinguishing kick came from the baby and it made Anna's hand fall to her stomach. She realized that today she officially hit sixteen weeks. A sigh left her lips and she stood. No use thinking about that. She swept her hair up into a lose braid.

The baby kicked again.

"You're active this morning," Anna murmured to her belly, her hands resting above the growing bump. Over the past couple of days, she had begun to feel the baby more and more. She read that some women didn't feel anything until after twenty weeks, but apparently this one wanted to say hello earlier. Lady Mary had told her once that she first felt the faintest kicks from Master George at fourteen weeks. It seemed that it could be different for everyone.

John woke up. As his eyes flickered open, he saw Anna standing at the mirror with her hands resting on top of her belly. Her head was bent down to look at it and he could see her lips moving slightly and the tiniest of smiles on her lips. He sat himself up. At the sound of his movements, Anna's hands dropped from her belly and she pretended like she hadn't heard him. John's brows furrowed. He wasn't sure how to assure her that he would love her baby; that she should keep it.

He climbed out of the bed and came up behind her. His hands wrapped around her frame and he carefully rested both of his hands over her bump. She tensed below him.

"You're glowing," he murmured into her ear. He could see her face through the mirror. Anna's features fell and a second later, she pushed his hands off and stepped forward.

"We should start getting ready for work."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

As the two were getting prepared to leave their cottage for the day, a knock came at their door. Both glanced at one another unsure of who would be at their home at this hour.

John went to open the door and was surprised to see Mary standing on the other side. Anna stepped up behind John, just as shocked.

"Lady Mary," Anna said, with questioning in her voice.

"Come in," John quickly added, remembering his manners. Mary stepped over the threshold and gave the two of them a kind smile.

"Sorry to interrupt your morning," she told the two of them. "I wanted to inform you that Lord Gillingham's valet, Alex Green, has been handled."

"Handled, how, m'lady?" Anna questioned.

"Lord Gillingham will be firing him once they get back to London. He will not be coming back to Downton Abbey. He will also be warned that if he does come near our property, that he will be arrested," Mary stated. "Today, you two should stay home or go into Ripon for the day. Take the day off."

"But m'lady…."

"He is still at Downton until they leave this evening. Baxter can cover for me and Papa is in America."

"Thank you, Lady Mary," John replied. "Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?"

Mary smiled, but shook her head. "No, thank you both. I know this doesn't settle everything, but I hope with him knowing we won't let him off easy if he comes back, that he will leave you alone now."

"Thank you, truly, m'lady."

"Of course. Enjoy your day."

With that, Mary turned and left their cottage. Anna allowed herself to fall back and rest against John's chest. His hands came up lovingly onto her shoulders and he gave them a tight squeeze.

"What would you like to do today?" He questioned her.

"Go walk around Ripon and maybe grab lunch?"

"Yes," John agreed. "That sounds wonderful."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Over the next five weeks, there was no sign of Alex Green. Anna was hopeful that he had taken his warning and would stay away. But random sounds around the house would still make Anna jump. She wasn't sure that she would truly ever be at ease again.

At twenty-one weeks, her stomach was much more prominent and hard to hide even with the loose dress. Mary commented that it was because of her small frame; it made her stomach poke out more. They still hadn't told anyone about the baby, but there were knowing looks from the staff every now and then. Daisy had even been brave enough to ask Anna if she had any names picked out. Anna had just shook her head no and had been thankful that Lady Mary had rung her bell at the perfect time.

Now, she sat in the boot room polishing a pair of shoes that Mary had gotten extra dirty. She had gone to visit the pigs and now her boots were covered in caked on mud. She jutted out her lip and quickly scrubbed against the side of her shoe. The door opened and she looked up. It was John. He gave her a smile and headed toward her, stealing a kiss. Stolen kisses were their new normal; their first step back to some sort of intimacy. Anna wasn't sure when she would be able to give him more, but John didn't pressure her for anything.

"Everyone is getting nosey," Anna said, her lips falling from their smile. "We should probably just announce that I am pregnant already and our plans for traveling to Ireland in a few months."

"If that's what you want."

"It is," Anna nodded. John pulled up a stool next to her and placed some shoes on the table. He remained still and Anna turned. She saw his face pensive. She narrowed her eyes. Before she could ask what he was thinking, John turned to her and took her hands into his own.

"I don't think this is right, Anna," he finally said. "I've tried to hold my tongue, but I can't. I can't let you do this."

"Do what?" Her voice quivered. She removed her hands from his and stood up. "I….I should get going…."

"Anna, you love this baby. I know you do. I see the way you touch your stomach and the smile that graces your lips." He stepped closer to her. "Let's keep it. I'll raise it as my own, Anna. I will love it. We will be a family."

Anna's hand came up to rest over her quivering lips and her eyes searched his face carefully.

"But what if…."

"No, buts, Anna," he said, stepping closer. He pulled her hand away from her lips and took her other hand in his. He took both hands and placed them over the swell of her belly. His hands rested right above hers. The baby kicked, as though it knew what this moment meant. "I love you, Anna. I love _our_ baby."

Tears slid down Anna's cheeks and she sniffled. "Truly?"

"Truly," John agreed.

"What if it looks like _him_…."

"It won't," John strongly stated.

"You can't know that. It could," Anna quickly replied. John nodded in agreement. His hands still over hers on her belly.

"I'll still love it. It shares part of you, Anna. The baby comes from you. I promise I will love it, cherish it; cherish you both."

Anna turned her hands so that she could take John's into her own. She then wrapped his arms around her, tucking her head into his chest.

"We'll get through this, my darling," he promised her. "The three of us will be just fine."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"You're rather bright," Lady Mary said, a week later. Anna was adjusting a pin in Mary's head.

"I am," she said, a smile gracing her lips. "Mr. Bates and I have decided to keep the baby." Mary turned to face Anna.

"Oh, Anna, how wonderful," she replied, thrilled. "Truly wonderful. I knew Bates would make you see reason."

Anna chuckled. "Yes, m'lady, he did."

"You both are doing well then?" Mary carefully asked. Anna nodded.

"We still have a ways to go, but we're doing much better."

"Good."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John was awoken by Anna's body moving beside him. He lifted himself up slightly; his eyes trying to adjust to the darkness. Anna's eyes were still closed, but her face was covered in a grimace. John's knuckle brushed her cheekbone and he watched as her body writhed under his touch.

"Anna?" He whispered. Turning closer to her, he felt a wetness seep into his pants. He lifted the blankets and saw a wetness all over the bottom half of Anna's nightdress.

"Anna," he tried again. She just whimpered and thrashed lightly in her sleep. John quickly lit the lamp next to the bed. As the light filled the room, his heart dropped. Anna's waters had broken and there was a twinge of blood mixed with the wetness.

**_To be continued..._**

_I'll try to update soon. Thank you for reading. _


	11. Chapter 11

_Short, but heavy chapter ahead. You have been warned. _

**Chapter 11**

John rushed next door to the neighbor's house. The wife had several children as well as many grandchildren that she had delivered. Just a few days prior, she had told them to come at any day or night if they needed her help. She knew a lot about babies.

Hesitating for only a moment, John knocked on their front door. It was very late at night and he worried the door would be answered with someone holding a shotgun. Thankfully, the woman answered a few minutes later. She quickly noted the worry on John's face and yelled for her husband.

"He sleeps through everything," she said, as she went to physically wake him up. When she came back, she asked John to explain what was going on.

"I believe her waters have broken; she's in a lot of pain," John said, his body aching to be back with Anna. He hated having to leave her to call for help.

The lady, Josie's, eyes darkened and she heavily sighed. "How far along did you say she was?"

"Only half-way. It's way too early."

"Mr. Bates, I…If things are as you say, the baby will have to be delivered right away. I'll send my husband to call the doctor. Your wife will need to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible. Go back to your wife, leave your door open, I'll be there momentarily. I need to grab some things."

John didn't have to be told twice. He quickly headed back to his house. As soon as he entered the cottage, he heard a loud moan escaping Anna's lips. He ignored the pain running up from his knee and hurried up the stairs.

Entering their bedroom, he found Anna writhing on the bed. Her head turned to face him and John's heart broke into shreds. The hair that had fallen out of her braid was stuck against the wetness from her tears on her cheeks. Her face was red from the pain and her entire body was shaking. He went to her side and pulled her up against him. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"It's still moving, John. The baby is still moving." She moved his hand to her belly and he could feel the small kicks. Tears sprung to his eyes. Josie said they would have to deliver. If they delivered, the baby wasn't going to make it. It was too small. He tried hard to push back his tears and remain stoic. Anna needed him to be strong right now. "It hurts," Anna cried, her body tensing.

"Where, my darling, how can I help?" He felt so lost.

"My lower back," she moaned. John quickly bought his hand to her lower back and began rubbing deep circles against it.

"Alright, love, I'm here," Josie said, walking through the door. "Ricky has gone to call the doctor. I'm going to need you to lay on your back and pull up your legs, so I can see what's going on here. Mr. Bates, stay up there at your wife's head and hold her hand. It's generally customary for men to leave during these times, but….."

"I'm staying," he strongly stated. "I won't leave her. Not now."

"Yes, I was going to suggest that, since she doesn't have a woman here to stay with her."

Anna was uncomfortable, but she did as she was told. John's hand reached for her chin and slowly brought her eyes to his.

"Hey, look at me, my darling. I'm here; I'm here," he tried to soothe. He heard Josie uneasily sigh and as she did so, Anna's face scrunched up and she tightened her hold on John's hand.

"She's in labor," Josie gloomily stated. "She's almost fully dilated. You'll have to deliver soon, sweetheart."

"No," Anna heartbreakingly cried. "I still feel it moving. No….please, there has to be something…."

Josie's hands came up around Anna's stomach and she began to measure the bump with her hands. Her lips twisted and she shook her head.

"Way too little, how many weeks?"

"Twen…twenty-two."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bates, the baby may be born alive, but it won't survive long."

Anna head fell against John's chest and she nearly screamed as a contraction hit her. John ran his fingers through her hair and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. He knew there was little he could do to help her now. He hoped that being there with her and holding her through it was enough. He tried not to think about what it all meant. Right now, his sole focus was helping Anna through it.

Soon, everything was happening fast. John watched helplessly at his wife in pain. He moved his body so that he was positioned behind her, holding her in his lap. Her head was against his chest and he tried anything and everything to keep her as comfortable as possible. However, he doubted by this point that she even realized she was there.

Before he knew it, he saw the smallest baby in Josie's hands. It fit perfectly in one of her palms. Its skin was translucent. Josie quickly wrapped it up in a blanket and covered its face. John felt his stomach lurch. She met his eyes and shook her head solemnly.

"Is….is it a girl or a boy?" Anna asked, exhausted: both physically and emotionally. As Josie sat the baby in her basket she had brought, she turned to Anna.

"A girl."

Anna closed her eyes and nodded, her head turned and John watched as fresh tears fell down her cheeks. His hand came up to his face and that's when he realized he was crying too.

A moment later, Dr. Clarkson came in. He gave Anna a sedative to help her sleep and did an examination. He asked to speak with John downstairs. John kissed his sleeping wife's cheek and walked downstairs with the doctor. As they made it downstairs, he saw Josie walking out with the basket. John felt his eyes well up with tears.

"What….what are you going to do with her?" He asked.

"She'll be buried in a mass grave of babies that were born too soon," Dr. Clarkson answered. John took in a deep breath and clutched his hand over his heart.

"What…what if we want to bury her?" He questioned. Dr. Clarkson's face softened.

"That can be arranged," he kindly replied. "Now, we must speak about Anna. She will be sore and tired. She needs her rest. That means no work for a couple of weeks. I will come back tomorrow and do another examination. It's best you get some rest too, Mr. Bates. You have a long way ahead of you."

After they left, John fell into the settee and allowed himself to break down into his hands.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

A little while later, John gathered himself and stood. He needed to check on Anna. He went into the washroom to wash off his tear stained cheeks and change his shirt. Once he was sure he looked presentable, he walked back into their bedroom. Anna was, thankfully, still asleep.

The room had been all cleaned up by Josie and there were no signs of the tragedy that had occurred right here. Anna was in a new nightdress and the sheets were fresh. John sighed. He slowly climbed into the bed next to Anna, attempting not to disturb her.

In the light of the moon, he could see her face. It was peaceful. Her breaths were even and her hand was tucked just under her cheek. It made her look innocent and younger than she was. In many ways it broke his heart more, because he knew when she awoke that she would be absolutely devastated. He wished there was a way to keep her in that innocence.

Sadly, it was gone too soon. Anna's eyes fluttered open and John inhaled sharply, afraid to move. He hoped they would close, but she slowly met his eyes. Her blue irises searched his face and he watched as her face crumbled from the realization of it all. She didn't cry, however. Her lips trembled and her chin quivered, but nothing came out. John attempted to pull her into his arms, but Anna turned away.

"Anna," he tried, reaching his hand out to touch her shoulder. Anna shook his hand away and curled deeper into herself. "Anna….."

_To be continued..._


	12. Chapter 12

_Thank you to everyone who took the time to review! I read each and everyone of them and appreciate them all! _

**Chapter 12**

Mary happily tugged at the bell string, excited to see Anna this morning. When perusing through George's things, she had found a small gift to give Anna. While it wasn't anything major, it was a small token of congratulations for her lady's maid. Anna had been through so much and she was thrilled that Anna was going to finally have some happiness.

As Mrs. Hughes walked into her room with a tray a few minutes later, Mary's smile faded.

"Mrs. Hughes? Where's Anna? Has she taken ill?" Mary questioned, worried. Mrs. Hughes' head shook and Mary could see that her face was forlorn.

"Lady Mary, last night Anna went into early labor and lost the baby," she solemnly answered. "Dr. Clarkson is calling it a late miscarriage." Mary's face paled. She took the tray and moved it to the side of the bed, sitting up.

"Lost the baby?" She asked out loud, even though she had heard Mrs. Hughes very clearly. "But just yesterday…"

"It's been a shock to us all. I was wondering, m'lady, if we could send a basket of food to them this morning? I am not sure what they have to eat at home and I doubt Mr. Bates will want to leave Anna's side," Mrs. Hughes said. Mary lightly nodded, still in shock.

"Of course, have Mrs. Patmore make a basket of all their favorites. We can send food to them daily," Mary said with an uneasy sigh. "Mrs. Hughes, I can dress myself today. Please do whatever needs to be done for Anna. I don't want her rushing back to work when she's healed. She should to take as much time as she needs. I'll be fine; I can have Baxter help when needed. Bates should also take as much time as he needs. Papa isn't here anyway. Just tell them both to stay home."

"Yes, m'lady." Mrs. Hughes paused, seeing a small package on the edge of Mary's bed. "What's this?"

"It…it was for Anna."

"I can take it to her," Mrs. Hughes offered. She began to pick up the small gift.

"No," Mary quickly said. "Don't. It…it was for the baby. I'll put that way." She stood and walked over to retrieve the package and offered Mrs. Hughes a solemn smile. "I'll save it for the future."

"Yes," Mrs. Hughes sadly replied. "I can send Baxter to your room in a little bit."

"No, no need for today. Thank you, Mrs. Hughes"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When Mrs. Hughes reached downstairs, she found that Mrs. Patmore had already begun putting together a large basket of food for Anna and John. Mrs. Patmore showed her love with food and by the look of the basket, she had a ton of love for those two.

"Mrs. Hughes! The pie is in the oven and the soup is on the stove, but everything else is ready to go," Mrs. Patmore let her know.

"Mrs. Patmore, I'm not sure they'll be able to eat all of this," Mrs. Hughes said, skeptically.

"Over the week, they will," she quickly answered. "But wait for the soup, it's Anna's favorite. I can bring the pie down to her later today."

They had received the news about Anna early in the morning. As soon as she heard about Anna, Mrs. Patmore had begun cooking for her. She told the others to just fix everyone else a simple breakfast and to stay out of her way.

"Poor Anna," Daisy interrupted. "Can I go down to see her with you, Mrs. Hughes?" Mrs. Hughes opened her mouth to scold the girl for wanting to leave her duties, but upon seeing her face, her own face softened. Daisy's features were full of concern for Anna.

"Not right now, Daisy. Perhaps you can go see her in a bit."

Everyone grew quiet when Mary turned the corner and entered the kitchen. She eyed the contents of the basket and Mrs. Hughes noticed Mrs. Patmore shuffling uneasily on her feet as her items were being examined. She sighed in relief when Mary nodded.

"Very good," she said. "Are there any warm foods for them?"

"Y…yes, m'lady, I am working on her favorite soup now," Mrs. Patmore answered, slightly nervous.

"Good. Thank you, Mrs. Patmore for taking the time to do this for Anna."

"M'lady," Mrs. Patmore just said with a nod, before returning to the soup.

"Mrs. Hughes, I would like to walk with you to the Bates' cottage this morning." There was complete sincerity in her words. Mrs. Hughes had always known that Mary had a soft spot for Anna, but it was very clear within this moment how much she cared about her.

"Of course, m'lady."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The night had been long. Anna, thankfully, had fallen back to sleep soon after waking briefly. The sedatives from Dr. Clarkson seemed to do the trick to help her sleep through the rest of the night. John, however, had been unable to sleep. Every time he tried to close his eyes, all he could see was the pain and agony on his wife's face or the tiny, lifeless baby.

The sun was shining in through the curtains. John quickly got up and closed them more tightly. The last thing he wanted was for Anna to wake up. For now, she was safe, away from her pain. Soon that would be over.

He walked over to her and stared down at her sleeping face. It was just as peaceful as it had been hours before. No pain, no sadness. He wished there was a way to keep it like that for her. She had been through so much. He didn't understand why someone as pure as Anna had to endure such heartache.

"J…John?" Anna questioned, her eyes slowly opening. Carefully, John sat down on the bed next to Anna. He ran his hand up the side of her arm, resting it on her shoulder. Anna's eyes grew dark and she swallowed hard. "It…it wasn't a dream, was it?"

A lone tear slipped down John's cheek and he shook his head. "No, my darling, it wasn't."

Anna's brows furrowed and she pushed the covers down off her frame. Her hand came to the loose skin around her abdomen and she closed her eyes.

"She had still been kicking me. She….she wasn't ready to leave me. I….I failed her," Anna murmured, speaking to herself.

"No, Anna, _no_…." John tried. Anna wasn't listening to him. Her lips were twisting and brows moving, as if she was deep in thought.

A moment later, Anna sat up and John shook his head.

"You need your rest," he said.

"I…..I need to change. I…I'm still bleeding. Dr. Clarkson said it'll last a few weeks," she quietly explained.

John tried to assist Anna as she began to stand, but Anna refused his help. She shuffled her way to the bathroom and John remained behind, lost and unsure of how to help his wife. When he glanced down at the bed, he saw that it was stained red. Sighing, John began to change the sheets so that Anna would have a clean place when she returned.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

In the washroom, Anna undressed. She placed the soiled undergarments in the sink to let them soak. Staring at the water, she watched as pigments of red began to swirl around, tainting the water with her heartbreak. Her lips quivered sharply, but she shook her head.

_You wanted this._ She reminded herself. _Remember your prayers? Well they were answered._

"But this wasn't what I wanted," she nearly cried, her eyes growing watery. No tears fell, however. "Not like this. I…I was wrong. I…I didn't want this."

_You did._

With shaky hands, she turned on the tap to get some fresh water. She gave herself a quick sponge bath, before redressing. Her legs were growing weaker and she would need to lay back down soon. Her entire body ached. Every movement was a reminder of what she lost. Of her failure.

Grasping at the handle, Anna paused. Her body felt shaky and she wasn't sure if she could make it to her bed. Her lips opened to call out to John for help, but she closed them tightly. She didn't deserve his help; she didn't deserve anything.

Taking small steps and balancing herself against the wall, Anna slowly made her way back to her room. When John saw how weak she appeared, he rushed to her side and took her elbow to steady her.

"Anna, why didn't you ask me to help you?"

Anna's head just shook. She sunk into the mattress, relieved to no longer be standing. John's eyes couldn't leave her face. The pain on it was palpable. He climbed into the bed next to her and attempted to pull her into his strong arms. Anna moved back slightly and turned so she couldn't see him. Her eyes found a spot on the wall to stare at. Again, no tears came. She wasn't sure if she would ever be able to cry again.

"Anna, don't pull away from me now. Let me comfort you, please," he tried.

"I….I'm just tired, John," Anna murmured. "And I'm in pain. Can you please get me some of the medicine Dr. Clarkson left?"

"Yes, is there anything else you need? Some tea? Something to eat?" Anna's head shook at his words.

"Just the medicine, and then….I'd like to be left alone for a little while." John's lips fell into a crooked line. She was pushing him away. But for now, he would leave it alone. He knew she needed to grieve in her own way and come to terms with what happened.

"Okay," he replied.

_Knock. Knock. _

"That may be Dr. Clarkson. He said he was going to do a check up on you today. Let me check and then I'll bring up your medicine."

Anna didn't respond at all. Her body remained still with her eyes still staring straight at the spot on the wall. John sighed.

He headed down the stairs and opened the door, surprised to find Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary on the other side. Both were struggling to hold the food in their hands. Seeing that Mary was about to drop what was in her hands, he quickly grabbed it and motioned for them both to follow him inside. He placed the food on the table and watched as Mrs. Hughes did the same with the large basket in her arms.

"What is all of this?" John questioned. There was an array of foods now sitting on is table. While he was grateful for their gesture, he doubted they would be able to eat it all before it spoiled.

"Mrs. Patmore insisted on gathering all of Anna's favorite foods," Mrs. Hughes' explained. "We will bring you food in the mornings."

"I think we should be good for at least a week," John replied, slightly overwhelmed. He quickly covered that up and offered them an appreciative smile. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "This is very kind."

"How's Anna?" Mary asked, her eyes glancing up the stairs. "I….I'm so sorry for you both," she added.

"Thank you, m'lady. Anna is tired and in pain. I was about to take her some medicine. Would one of you like to take it to her? I'm not sure she would be up to you both visiting at the same time."

"You go," Mary told Mrs. Hughes. As much as Mary wanted to see Anna, she knew that Mrs. Hughes was like a mother to her. At a time like this, one needs a mother. She had lost Matthew and it had torn her heart into shreds, but she couldn't even imagine losing George. No, Anna needed Mrs. Hughes more than her right now. It was only right.

"Alright," Mrs. Hughes answered. She was given the medicine, some water, and a small bowl of soup to take to Anna. Then she walked up the stairs, leaving John and Mary alone in the kitchen.

Wanting to fill up the awkward space, Mary began to unload the basket full of food. She wasn't sure where everything went, however, and paused her movements. She and John were never alone and she wasn't sure how many conversations the two of them had had together.

"I…." Mary uneasily started. She took in a deep breath and regained her confidence. She was never one to shy away easily. "I'd like to help in any way possible, Bates. Neither of you need to rush back to work, please take all the time you need."

"That's very kind, m'lady," John responded. He took the fruit that was in the basket and began to place them in a bowl.

"What can I help you with? There must be something," Mary implored. She felt completely helpless at the moment. She needed to do something that could help the two of them, however small. Bringing food didn't seem like enough.

John paused for a moment, but then shook his head. "All this food is helpful, m'lady. We appreciate your support."

"Don't feel like you can't burden me, Bates."

John sighed. "I…..Dr. Clarkson said he was going to bury the baby in a mass grave, but….I want a place to bury her. Somewhere Anna and I can visit. Somewhere that she can be remembered," John began. "I haven't had the chance to talk to Anna and I know I will need to figure this out soon, but…."

"No, I will handle it," Mary interrupted. "You need to be here with Anna. I can talk with Dr. Clarkson and find out what needs to be done."

"That seems like such an imposition, m'lady. I can…"

"No, it is not. God knows Anna has been there for me. I will do this for her. Does the baby have a name?" Mary carefully asked. John's brows knitted together and Mary watched as his eyes glanced up the stairs.

"No…I mean, I don't know if Anna had a name she wanted for her. I'll….I'll let you know."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Anna?" Mrs. Hughes' voice questioned cautiously, as she pushed open the door. Anna slowly turned to the doorway and her lips quivered at the sight of Mrs. Hughes. A large part of her wanted to wrap her arms around the older woman and sob into her shoulder. Yet, she remained still, locked deep in her misery.

"I brought your medicine, love," Mrs. Hughes told her. Anna sat up slightly, grabbed the medicine and water from Mrs. Hughes' hands, and then took the medicine. "I also brought you some soup from Mrs. Patmore. She has been working on it all morning. It's potato and leek, your favorite."

Glancing at the soup, Anna felt her stomach lurch. She didn't feel up to eating anything right now. But Mrs. Hughes looked hopeful and Mrs. Patmore had spent all morning making it for her, so she took the bowl from Mrs. Hughes' hands. With the spoon, she scooped the smallest amount of liquid and brought it to her mouth.

"It…it's very good," Anna quietly said. She placed the bowl on the table beside her bed and laid back down.

"Don't you want a little bit more, Anna?"

"I…I will later, Mrs. Hughes. I….I'm tired. While I appreciate you coming, do you mind leaving now? I want to be alone."

"Yes, my dear," she gently said. "Get some rest."

Mrs. Hughes turned to the door, but she paused and glanced back at Anna. "I'm so sorry, Anna."

Anna could only nod, before turning away again.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Lady Mary, I'm sorry, but Anna doesn't want any visitors right now," Mrs. Hughes stated, as she reentered the kitchen. Mary stood from her chair and gave the smallest of smiles.

"That's quite alright. I will come and check on her another day." Mary felt more at ease having a purpose and something she could do to try and help. Once again, she told John her apologizes for his loss and asked him to let him know if he needed anything else, before heading back to Downton.

After she left, Mrs. Hughes began to busy herself by finishing up organizing the food. She wasn't sure how she was going to tell Mrs. Patmore that she wouldn't be needed for supplying more food for several days.

"Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes finally started a moment later. "How are you holding up?"

A shaky sigh left his lips and when he met her eyes, Mrs. Hughes saw them brimming with tears.

"I….I had…" John shook his head, his emotions getting the best of him. "I….I loved that baby," he finally said, "I…I know she wasn't mine, but she was Anna's. I was going to love her as my own, Mrs. Hughes. I…I would have." A few stray tears fell down his cheeks and John turned his face away.

"Oh, Mr. Bates, I know you would have," Mrs. Hughes strongly stated. "No one loves Anna like you do. I know you would have loved her child. It would have been yours. She…she was yours."

John let out a shuddering breath and nodded. "I'm not sure how to help her, Mrs. Hughes. I…I can't fix this. She has been through so much. I….I could kill Green for doing this to her. He…." John stopped himself; he could see the worry in Mrs. Hughes' eyes. "Don't worry. I won't do anything to risk my future with Anna."

"Good," Mrs. Hughes replied. She stepped forward slightly and clasped her hands in front of herself. "Just be patient, Mr. Bates. Anna will need you to be patient with her. But also, allow yourself to grieve. You don't always have to be the strong one. If you need any of us, we will be here. Let me take over some days. Take time for yourself, too."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."

**_To be continued..._**

_I'm working hard to finish this before I go on vacation for three weeks. I am not convinced it is going to happen. I don't want to cut any of the story and want to make sure I give it all it deserves. So I will try my best, but I am not making any promises. Thank you all!_


	13. Chapter 13

_Super quick update, so make sure you didn't miss chapter 12 since I just updated it last night. Thank you all for reading! _

**Chapter 13**

_Anna stood on the edge of the meadow. It was a beautiful spring day. The meadow was peppered with fresh new flowers, making the most wonderful smell drift through the air with each gust of wind. _

_ A fresh gust passed her and Anna's dress fluttered and danced with the gale. The sensation made Anna giggle. With her laughter, she heard a child's voice echo among the flowers. Her eyes glanced around the meadow and she saw a flash of auburn hair pass in front of her. _

_ "Katie," Anna whispered, her eyes eagerly searching for the small frame again. "Katie!" She stated louder, stepping deeper into the meadow. Bending down, Anna pulled up a purple flower and brought it up to her nose. The pedals tickled the tip of her nose. Pulling the flower down, she felt a tug on the corner of her dress. Turning toward the feeling, she saw a ghost of a girl, before she disappeared yet again. _

_ "Katie!" Anna yelled, dropping the flower. As the flower clashed against the grass, the pedals fell off and immediately turned brown. Anna's eyes narrowed and soon most of the meadow began to die. "Katie!" _

_ She moved quickly on her feet, trying to escape the dying meadow. Her eyes still desperately searching for the small girl. Shuffling against the grass, Anna tumbled over her feet and fell on the ground. _

_ A small hand clasped around Anna's. It held hers tightly and tugged her forward._

_ "Come on, Mummy, we have to go," the voice murmured. Anna pulled herself up onto her feet and that was when she met the small girl's eyes. They were the brightest of blues. Her small, pink lips were curled down into a frown and she continued to tug tightly against Anna's hand. _

_ "We have to go," she restated. The girl led Anna to the greener area of the pasture. The sky was growing darker and Anna found it harder and harder to see. _

_ A second hand grabbed Anna's free hand and pulled her down, so that Anna was perched in front of the small girl. The little girl let go of her hands and grabbed each of Anna's cheeks. In return, Anna brought her hand out and tentatively touched the curve of the girl's cheek with the back of her finger. _

_ "Why didn't you want me?" The girl questioned. Anna's body shook and her heart twisted deeply in her chest._

_ "I….I did….I wanted you so badly, Katie," she replied. "I wanted you from the moment I knew about you." _

_ "That's not what you prayed," the little girl countered. _

_ "I'm sorry," Anna cried, her fingers brushing through the light auburn hair on top of the girl's head. It curled slightly and tangled in her fingers. "I never meant it. I….I was scared."_

_ "Of me?" Anna's head jerked back and forth, as her chin wobbled. _

_ "No, never you….. Never you, Katie. I love you."_

_ The girl's hands slipped from Anna's face. "I have to go." She stepped backwards. Anna reached out for her, but the little girl slipped further and further away. _

_ "No, Katie….don't go!" _

_ "I have to, Mummy," she answered, before turning and beginning to skip away. _

_ "Katie! Come back! Katie!" _

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Katie! Come back! Katie!" Anna jolted up in her bed, her breaths coming out in uneven pants.

"Anna? My darling?" John's sleepy voice came beside her. He slowly pulled himself up and gently placed his hands on Anna's hands. "Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?"

Anna's eyes blinked sharply and she hid her face away from him, not knowing what to tell him. As her arms pulled inwards and brushed against her breasts, she gasped. They were painful and as hard as rocks. Glancing down, she saw two distinguishing wet circles. A sob caught within her throat. Her milk had come in.

"No," she murmured to herself. She knew this was likely going to happen. Dr. Clarkson had warned her, said it would likely happen a few days after labor. And here it was, another harsh and painful sign.

"Here," John offered, sliding off the bed and lighting the lamp on his bedside table. "I'll get you a new nightdress."

"I can dress myself, John. I'm not an invalid," Anna snapped. If her words hurt John, she couldn't tell. His features were calm and full of understanding. It made Anna angry, but not at him; at herself. She was being so cruel to him and she didn't know why. _None_ of this was his fault. He wasn't the one who joked and laughed with Green, the one who didn't fight hard enough, the one who prayed so deeply for a miscarriage he didn't even want. No, she was the one who had ruined it all.

"Of course," John replied lovingly. "I'll change the sheets."

"We don't have any more sheets. I've ruined them all," Anna grumbled, her lips quivering. She slipped her legs over the edge of the bed and gingerly stood up. It had been three days and her body was slowly healing.

"No, we have plenty. I've sent them off to be washed and Mrs. Hughes has brought us extra pairs."

"Oh," was all she could reply. She watched as John deftly tore another pair of sheets off the bed. The crinkle of old newspaper set below it to protect the mattress made Anna's ears twinge uneasily. There were so many reminders around her, ready to swallow her up whole.

Breaking from her trance, Anna maneuvered herself to the washroom. The nightdress was stuck tightly against her breast and it hurt pulling the fabric away from her skin. She gritted her teeth and jerked the nightdress up and over her head, throwing it to the ground. Her hands then came up to carefully touch the tight skin of her breasts. The light touch made her bite down hard against her cheek. She had to resist the urge to massage them to try to release some of the pressure. Dr. Clarkson warned that it would mimic the baby drinking and only make them produce more milk.

She grabbed a towel and wrapped it firmly around her chest, as Dr. Clarkson had mentioned to help stop any production of milk. She just wanted it all to stop: the pain, the agony, everything.

When she finally made it back to the bedroom, she found John sitting on the edge of the mattress with his head in his hands. At the sound of the door, his eyes glanced up at her and she could see the tears shining in his eyes. She suddenly felt the need to rush to him and hold him tightly, but her mind held her back.

_This is what you wanted,_ the nagging voice in the back of her head reminded her. She sighed heavily and then grimaced. The movement brought more pain shooting through her breasts and abdomen.

"Are you in pain?" John questioned, standing.

"Yes, a little," Anna replied. She allowed John to help her back into the bed. He climbed in next to her. His eyes studied her face and watched as she painfully breathed in and out.

"Should we ring for Dr. Clarkson?" Anna shook her head.

"I….I'm okay." Anna inched down deeper so she could rest her head on her pillow and then turned on her side, facing John. Her hand came up to caress his check and she brought her fingers down to trace his lower lip. "You're so patient with me," she murmured. "I….I don't deserve it." John's hand came down to encase hers with his own.

"You deserve the world," he stated sincerely. "Who is Katie?" He asked a beat later. "You woke up screaming Katie. Was that her name?"

Anna's eyes fell away from his, but she nodded her head. "It means pure. I….I wanted to give her a name that showed how innocent she was despite where she came from…." Anna explained. John's thumb caressed the top of her knuckles, before bringing her hand up to his lips and pressing a chaste kiss against it.

"It's beautiful," he told her.

"It doesn't matter, not anymore," Anna replied. She closed her eyes, but allowed John's hand to stay around hers.

"It does, Anna, it does," he said strongly. "I….I am having her buried somewhere for us. Katie was ours; we loved her."

Anna's eyes popped open and they searched John's face. A myriad of emotions filled her entire body. She jerked her hand out of John's and sat back slightly.

"I….I didn't ask for that," she breathed. "What…what gives you the right to decide what to do with _my_ daughter?" Her words were harsh, like a slap against John's face. Anna's hands came up over her face and she inhaled sharply.

"Anna…" Despite it all, his words were still kind, still gentle. It only made her madder. She turned away from him and curled into herself. She wanted to scream, wanted to cry, but nothing would come. She almost felt numb.

And over the next several days, Anna fell deeper and deeper into herself.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John scrubbed the kitchen floor. They didn't need cleaning, but he found himself needing something to do. The days were growing longer. Anna barely moved, barely spoke. She remained curled on her side, glancing at a random place on the wall. He was so lost at how to help her.

Thankfully, today Mrs. Hughes was supposed to come and sit with her for a few hours. John needed to get out of the cottage. He was about to suffocate within the confines of its walls. He wondered if getting out was what Anna needed, too. They had been stuck indoors and in their grief for so long.

"Hello," Mrs. Hughes' voice made him look up from the floor.

"Hello, Mrs. Hughes. Can I get you anything?" He questioned. His knee protested slightly, but he ignored its pain, standing up to greet her.

"No, go on and take a few hours to yourself. Anna and I will be fine."

John took the apron off from around his waist and sat it on the table. Then he gave Mrs. Hughes a nod, before heading out the door.

He took an unfamiliar journey to the place Mary asked him to meet her. He knew it was somewhere at the cemetery. As he entered the gate, he saw Mary standing over in a corner of the field. Thankful for his cane, he made his way over the uneven terrain. He finally made it to Mary and saw the smallest marker on the land.

"I've had her buried here," Mary told him. "I hope it's alright."

"It is, thank you, m'lady," John said. He used his cane to help bring himself to his good knee. His hand ran over the letters on the stone. _Katie Anne Bates_. "Thank you," he repeated, his eyes watering with tears.

"I know it doesn't make everything better, but I do hope it gives you both some peace."

"It will, m'lady," John answered, his voice shaky.

Noticing the tender moment, Mary nodded. "I'll leave you here to have your moment, Bates."

John just bobbed his head up and down. He pressed his palm against the letters and closed his eyes. While Anna said she didn't want this, he knew that she would want to have a place to remember her little girl. When she was ready, John would bring her here. Until then, he would come and visit her.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

A week passed. John sat at the window, nursing a cup of tea. He planned on going back to work today. He couldn't stay at home any longer. His day wouldn't be long. His lordship was still in America. Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore had both offered to come and check on Anna throughout the day. She still remained locked in bed, staring at the wall.

John was shocked, however, when he heard footsteps coming down the staircase. He turned. His lower lip dropped. Anna was standing fully dressed and ready to work.

"Anna," John stood and his head shook. "It…it's too early to go back to work. You…it's only been two weeks…"

"I…." Anna took in a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. "Dr. Clarkson said after two weeks I could return to work."

"But….."

"I want to move past it all, John," Anna tried to say strongly, but her lip was trembling. "I want to forget that it all happened." John's brows furrowed. It wasn't that easy.

"Anna….."

Her head shook and she set her lips into a determined line. "Now let's go, or we'll be late."

**_To be continued..._**

_Thanks again! _


	14. Chapter 14

_Hey everyone! For some reason when I uploaded chapter 13, the site didn't register it and update the update date or move it up on the main page. If you follow me or the story you got a notification for that chapter, but if not you wouldn't have. So if you didn't see Chapter 13, make sure you read it before this one. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 14**

John continued to eye Anna cautiously the entire trek to the big house. She was moving slowly and John wasn't sure how to convince her to go back home. While Dr. Clarkson had said she could go back to work after two weeks, he had mentioned that it must be light work. It also didn't account for the lack of sleep Anna had over the last weeks and lack of food; she had barely eaten in two weeks. Her frame was frail and John was worried she would fall right over.

"Anna," his voice was careful. "Don't overdo it today. Dr. Clarkson said at two weeks you could only go back if you felt able and to only do light work. Perhaps, only stay for a couple of hours. Take time to regain your bearings."

Anna paused and an array of emotions covered her features. Her lips twitched slightly, before she offered John a forced smile. "I…I feel fine." John's lips fell into a straight worried line. Upon seeing his face, Anna threaded her fingers through his and held his hand tightly into her own. "I want us to move forward; I want us to be happy again."

John sighed. "I want us to be happy, too, my darling. But you have been through so much. You were lying in bed staring at the wall for nearly two weeks. I am not sure you are ready…."

"I am," Anna cut off. Her words sharp. Realizing her tone, her cheeks softened and she pushed out another smile. "I had my time to dwell on it all. Don't worry about me, Mr. Bates. I am made of sterner stuff."

He could feel his jaw tighten and concern fill his frame. He knew his wife. While she was strong, even the strongest of people would break under all of the pressures life had placed on her. All she was doing now was putting more pressure on herself to move past it all and not allow herself to grieve and process it all correctly. She still hadn't cried.

"Promise me you'll take it easy," John said lightly, trying to hide all of his concern. Anna nodded and then stepped forward. She perched herself onto her toes and pressed a quick kiss to John's. It was a forced kiss; John could feel her tense lips against his. But when she pulled away, he offered her a small smile and squeezed her hand that was still within his.

The two continued on their journey. As they reached the house, John felt Anna slow her pace. Glancing to her, he saw the anticipation of returning on her face. Her eyes were quickly jerking back and forth over the building and her lower lip had begun to tremble slightly. Once she realized John was looking at her, however, she forced out a tight smile.

"It feels good to be back," she lied.

John felt a bitter taste in his mouth from her lies. He thought they had moved past lying to one another. It broke his heart that Anna couldn't be honest with herself or with him about how she was feeling. There was no way to help her until she was.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna's heart was racing so harshly that she was sure she would pass out. John opened the door for her to enter the building and she nearly fainted. Closing her eyes briefly, Anna breathed in deeply and pushed herself past her fears. There was no other choice. The only place she could go was forward. John deserved that.

Stepping into Downton, she could hear the bustle of everyone. It was familiar and, in many ways, a reminder of home. If she could focus on that one feeling, she could make it through the day.

"Anna?" Mrs. Hughes' shocked voice came from the end of the hallway. Anna tensed her shoulders and prepared for Mrs. Hughes to scold her. She walked down the hallway and her eyes went between John and Anna, unapprovingly. "What is all this?"

"I'm….I'm ready to come back to work," Anna strongly stated. Despite the strength of her words, Anna's legs were wobbly. She was already growing weaker and the day hadn't even begun.

Mrs. Hughes glanced at John and the two exchanged quick glances. Anna's lips tightened. They had no right to decide what she could and couldn't handle. She opened her mouth to speak, but Mrs. Hughes spoke first.

"Lady Mary has been dressing herself in the mornings and going down for breakfast with the others. So she won't be ringing for you this morning, Anna. I am sure we can find you something downstairs to do that won't take too much out of you." Anna gratefully sighed. Even if they weren't agreeing with her, they weren't making her go home.

"Alright."

They went to the servant's hall for breakfast. Upon seeing Anna, the entire room fell quiet. She quickly glanced down at the floor and began to pick anxiously at her fingers. She could feel everyone's eyes on her.

"It's so good to see you back, Anna," Baxter's kind voice broke through the silence. Anna slowly lifted her head and gave her a grateful nod.

"Th….thank you," she slowly replied. Everyone was still staring at her. What they were expecting from her, she didn't know. "I…..I need some work to keep me busy this morning. Do you have anything?" She asked Baxter. John was leading her to the table and had pulled a seat out for her to sit.

"Between Lady Mary and Lady Grantham there are quite a few shoes that need to be polished. I haven't gotten to…"

"I don't know if that's a good idea…." John began, knowing that would lead Anna into the boot room. The last room she needed to be in today. Mrs. Hughes seemed to be on the same wave length as John, because she had begun to protest as well.

"I'm sure we can find something else….."

But Anna interrupted them both. "I am happy to do that, Baxter. Thank you. It'll keep me off my feet this morning."

She could feel John shifting uneasily next to her, but she ignored it. She also tried to ignore the stares from all of those sitting around the table. Everyone seemed too afraid to say something to her about the loss, but they wouldn't stop staring.

Mr. Carson cleared his throat and thankfully it seemed to be enough to have everyone chatting back to one another. Anna's body eased slightly and she shuffled the food around on her plate.

"Would you like me to make you some eggs, Anna, dear?" Mrs. Patmore questioned, seeing that Anna wasn't eating.

"Um, no, I….I should probably get to those shoes." She quickly stood and tried to ignore the light cramping in her lower abdomen. Trying to keep up her courage, she rushed out of the servant's hall.

Reaching the boot room, she froze. Despite all of the times she had come back into this room since that fateful night, it still made her body react strongly with fear. She wanted to press her hands firmly against her ears to block out her screams. They still echoed off the walls.

A tighter cramp made her bite down on her lower lip and she pushed herself forward. Grabbing what she needed, she went to the table. A flash of Green's face over hers had her closing her eyes sharply.

_You feel so good._ His words bounced around in her head. _This is what a real man feels like._

The crash of a plate against the floor and Mrs. Patmore's voice scolding one of the young servants made Anna's eyes pop open. She was okay. She was safe. He wasn't here. She repeated that mantra over and over in her head.

Taking a shoe, she tried to place all of her focus on the shoe. It was only lightly scuffed and Anna knew it wouldn't take long to polish. At the looks of the shoes, this particular task wasn't going to fill her time as much as she had hoped. She just wanted something, anything, to take her mind off it all.

She wiped harshly against the scuff.

"_Mummy_." Anna glanced up. A flash of auburn hair ran in front of the door. Her belly ached. She felt the rags on her breasts filling with milk. The brush dropped from her hand and her eyes fell to the spot on the floor where Green had forced her down and took everything from her.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Mr. Bates, do you have a minute?" Mrs. Hughes asked in her doorway. John nodded and followed Mrs. Hughes into her sitting room. He closed the door behind him and sighed.

"I know you want to speak about Anna; I do too," John quickly stated. "She is not ready for work."

"Why is she here today?"

John shook his head, "She says she wants to move past it all and pretend as though none of it happened." A loud sigh left his lips, as he ran his hand over his jaw. "She's lying to herself and everyone. She is not okay."

"No," Mrs. Hughes solemnly agreed.

"We need to keep a watchful eye on her, Mrs. Hughes. I fear she'll break down at the least opportune time. That's the absolute last thing she needs. She hasn't allowed herself to cry, yet."

Worry etched over Mrs. Hughes' features and she nodded. "No, she does not need that. You couldn't convince her to stay home?"

"No, I couldn't. I tried. I am so very worried about her," John confessed.

"That poor girl has been put through the ringer. I will help you watch over her."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."

He stepped out of the room and swallowed hard. His chest felt heavy and it had been feeling heavy ever since the night Anna lost the baby. Once they had come to the decision to keep the baby, there had been some hope in the darkness. A light to ward off some of the pain, but now that light was gone. The overwhelming despair was on top of them, ready to crush them both.

With the tip of his finger, John wiped the edge of his eye. He couldn't cry, not now. He had to be strong for Anna, be strong for them both. He feared if he wasn't that he would lose her to the darkness.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary's brows were deeply creased and her lips pierced into an uneasy line. She made her way down to the downstairs and made a beeline for the boot room. What Baxter said to her had to be wrong, there was no way Anna was back to work already.

Slowly opening the boot room door, Mary found Anna sitting eerily quiet. Her lips were moving, but no sound was leaving them. There was a paleness in her cheeks, which made it look as though she had seen a ghost. Mary's shoe was in her grasp and her hand was clutched so tightly against it that her knuckles had grown white. A sigh left Mary's lips as she saw dampness around Anna's breasts.

She remembered how long it had taken her breasts to dry up after George had been born. She had been too despondent to nurse her new baby and yet her milk kept trying to remind her that she had a baby to feed, to care for.

"Anna, let's change the flannel in your dress," Mary calmly stated. At her voice, Anna jerked out of her trance and glanced up at Mary.

"I….I'm sorry, m'lady. I'm not sure….." Anna replied as brightly as she could manage.

"It's fine," Mary quickly said. "Now, let's change this flannel, shall we?" Anna glanced down at her chest and her face blanched. "Should I get Mrs. Hughes to help? I'm afraid I don't know where the extra cloths are." Anna's head shook sharply.

"I will handle it, m'lady. Do you need something? I…I was told you wouldn't need me this morning or else I would have…."

"I didn't; I came down to check on you," Mary replied. Mary watched as Anna stood from the stool and clutched on the edge of the table for support. Her eyes narrowed at her Lady's Maid and she shook her head. "You should rest, Anna."

Anna's lips curled into a tight, forced smile. "I'm fine, m'lady, truly."

"No, you are not fine, Anna," Mary said bluntly. "I will see about Mrs. Hughes setting you up a place to rest." Mary could see that Anna was struggling with how to respond. "I am sure there is something we can find you to do to fill the time, but something you can do in bed."

"Thank you, m'lady."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

On the walk back home, Anna was lost in her thoughts. While she had been grateful for Lady Mary's intervention, in many ways it had just reminded Anna of what she still couldn't do. She couldn't move forward as quickly as she wanted. She wished she could close off all the painful memories. She had thought going into work would make it easier, make the memories sit back while she filled her day with things to do. But the moment she walked into the boot room, they began to overwhelm her.

John opened the cottage door for her and she told herself that she could do this. She could defeat this pain, this sadness. Taking a few steps forward, she paused in front of John. Her hand encircled his and she offered him the smallest of smiles. He deserved so much more than she was giving him.

"In a few more weeks, I'll be able to give you everything you deserve, John. You've been waiting too long for me," she said, as her fingers twiddled around his. John's free hand came up to rest upon her cheek and he shook his head.

"I have everything I want and more, Anna. I will not allow you to push yourself in any way for my benefit." Her lower lip quivered, but only slightly and she swallowed hard.

"I…I won't be," she lied. The lying was becoming easier. At her lie, John sighed.

"We should go and visit Katie," John told Anna. He felt as she tensed beneath his touch. He waited for her to snap at him or scream. She did neither.

"No," was all she said, stepping back from John's hand. "I….I should probably go change."

John's jaw clinched as he watched his wife walk away. In many ways, he wished she had gotten angry. Her lack of anger worried him as much as her lack of tears. Sighing, he closed the door.

_To be continued..._

_I think I'll get one or two more updates before I leave. I don't think any of my stories will be completed before I am back in January. Sorry about that, but I do hope you enjoy what you have read so far! Thank you!_


	15. Chapter 15

_Thank you! _

**Chapter 15 **

Her fingers ran along the seam of her sleeve, landing on a small hole that needed to be patched. Over the past few days, it had begun to unravel from her anxious picking at her sleeve. She dipped her finger into the hole and began to pull at it, causing it to unravel a bit more. Continuing to mess with the hole, soon it had grown double in its size.

"Anna?" John's quiet voice pulled her out of her daze. She glanced up and saw concern covering his features. His eyes were on her fingers that were tugging on her sleeve. When he looked up at her, he sighed. Her brows knitted.

It was then she remembered she was in the Servant's Hall for lunch. Eyeing the room, she saw a couple pairs of eyes on her sleeve with the hole in its seam. She swallowed hard and quickly turned her arm so it would be hidden. Her eyes fell to her plate in an attempt to ignore the stares from others.

Next to her, John adjusted the napkin in his lap. He bent over to her and whispered into her ear, "Perhaps we should go home."

She shook her head. She had been back to work for three weeks now. Her body was nearly fully healed and her breasts were no longer producing milk. It was almost like she was back to normal, almost. At night, she was still plagued by nightmares. During the day, she felt stuck in a type of purgatory. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't push past anything. She pretended to be fine. She faked smiles and conversations, but she was completely numb inside.

"I should probably fix the hole in my sleeve before Lady Mary needs me," Anna said, scooting her chair back. As she lifted her eyes, she saw Baxter peering curiously at her. It made her feel uncomfortable and she quickly looked back down at her hands. She could trick most people, but Baxter was not one of them. Every time she looked at her, it was as though Baxter knew exactly what she was thinking.

She dashed out of the room. At first, she headed to grab a spool of thread, but her eyes were drawn to the back door. She could sneak out now. No one would know. She could leave and be back by the gong in the evening. She wouldn't be missed.

Her eyes darted down the hallway, before she snuck out the back door. Once she was out, she realized she wasn't sure where she planned on going. All she had known was that inside was suffocating. She had to get out.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Once he finished his meal, John began to search downstairs for Anna. He couldn't seem to find her anywhere. As far as he knew, Mary didn't need Anna until the evening. Ever since, well _everything_, Mary had lightened Anna's load. Despite that, Anna had still pushed herself by asking for extra tasks from Mrs. Hughes and Ms. Baxter.

It had been five weeks since the loss and she still hadn't cried. He wondered if she had cried in secret, but he doubted it. She was holding all of her pain and sadness deep within herself. He didn't know why she wouldn't allow herself to mourn her loss.

His last stop on his search for Anna was the boot room. He would often find her in there polishing shoes. In many ways, he guessed it was therapeutic for her to be in that room cleaning something.

Pushing against the door, he was disappointed to see it empty. There were no signs of Anna. With a sigh, he sat back against the wall.

"Mr. Bates, have you seen Anna?" Baxter's voice came from the doorway. John stood himself up and straightened his jacket with his hands.

"No. I am guessing she is upstairs with Lady Mary." Baxter's lips jutted out awkwardly and then they fell into an uneasy line.

"Actually, I was sent by Lady Mary to find her."

John tried to keep his shock off his face and remain calm. He twisted his lips slightly and nodded his head.

"Yes, that's right. She had to go home to get something. I'm sure she will be back shortly," John covered for Anna. While he knew Lady Mary was being extremely patient with Anna, he didn't want to make it seem as though Anna had just disappeared from her job to anyone.

Baxter didn't seem to believe him, but she didn't disagree. "I will see if I can help Lady Mary for Anna."

John nodded, grateful for Baxter seeming to understand the gravity of the situation. After Baxter left to go back upstairs for Lady Mary, he went to inform Mr. Carson that he needed to run home for a new jacket. Thankfully there was a random scuff on the sleeve that he was able to pass off as unfixable.

The entire journey home John prayed he would find Anna there. If she wasn't there, then he had no idea where to search for her. She often gave someone notice if she left Downton during the day. His heart was pounding in his chest and worry was consuming him.

When he reached the cottage, he found the front door still locked. He fumbled through his front pocket for the key and quickly unlocked the door.

"Anna!" He called as he opened the front door. There was no response. "Anna!" He tried again. Walking through the small cottage, there was no sign of Anna being there recently. A lump formed in the base of his throat. Tears began to well up in his eyes. Where could she be?

He slumped down into one of the chairs in the kitchen table and ran his hand through his hair. He was so emotionally drained. He was losing his wife and it was all Alex Green's fault. That snake had broken his wife's spirit, her soul. While Green hadn't caused the loss of the baby, John still blamed him. Had it not been for Green, they wouldn't had to go through any of this pain.

John only allowed himself a few more minutes in his dark thoughts, before straightening himself back up. He needed to find Anna. His first step would be to go back to Downton and see if she had returned. Hopefully, she had stepped out momentarily and was already back at work.

He stood up and grabbed his cane, completely forgetting to change his coat in the process. As he made it back to the big house, he was grateful to find Mrs. Hughes alone in her sitting room. He stepped in and quickly closed the door behind him.

"Have you seen Anna?"

Mrs. Hughes peered uncomfortably and shifted in her chair. "No, I thought you told Ms. Baxter that she went home." John sighed.

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I was covering for her disappearance. I just went home and she hasn't been there. I don't have a clue where she is, Mrs. Hughes."

"Oh dear." Mrs. Hughes solemnly stated. "We will cover for her here. She can't have gone far. You don't have the faintest idea where she could be?"

"I don't."

A loud sigh passed through Mrs. Hughes' lips. "It's alright. We'll find her."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

She slid into the front pew of the church and sat down. It was nearly empty, with a few people passing through. Her fingers tangled together in her lap and her eyes closed. She prayed for a peace to fill her soul, to make her feel less lost.

_Please forgive me,_ she prayed. _Please help me to forget it all. Make the pain go away. _

"_But it's what you wanted_," the voice spoke in her head. "_Move on. You have no right to be in pain. It's what you asked for, _prayed_ for."_

Her chest grew heavy. Untangling her fingers, she bent herself down and onto her knees. Then she began to fervently pray. Her hands folded tightly in front of her and she continued to pray for forgiveness. But with every word, the voice inside of her reminded her of her transgressions. The weight on her shoulders grew heavier and heavier with each passing moment. Soon, she found herself struggling to breathe.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she began to scream.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Isobel Crawley liked to come into the church some days and sit and think about Matthew. Something about being inside the church made her feel a warmth that she missed. When she walked in, she was surprised to see Anna Bates sitting in the front row. She had heard about the poor girl's loss a few weeks ago, but hadn't seen her since.

She decided to give Anna her own space and walked down to the other side of the church. Isobel sat down and gathered her thoughts. She began to close her eyes to pray, when she heard Anna shift. Her eyes popped open and she noticed that the girl seemed to be struggling to breathe. Isobel quickly stood and walked over to her.

Anna's eyes were still closed and her hands were clasped tightly in front of her face. Isobel watched as her lips moved, but breaths came out unevenly.

"Anna," she said carefully, before gently placing her hand on Anna's shoulder.

A frightened scream left Anna's lips and Isobel nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Anna," she said again. The girl didn't seem to hear her. Another scream left her lips and Anna's hands came over her own face. Her body was shaking uncontrollably. Slowly, Isobel sat down next to Anna and wasn't sure what to do. Her first thought was to find someone to fetch Anna's husband, but there was no one nearby at the moment.

"Anna, it's me, Mrs. Crawley." She tried. Anna didn't appear to recognize her. Her body was shaking from the overpowering sobs that were leaving her body. They were raw, loud, and painful sobs. Nothing short of heartbreaking.

Thankfully, the pastor seemed to have heard the commotion and came out to check on what had caused the screams. Isobel informed him where to find her husband and assured him that she would stay with Anna until he could arrive.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John moved as quickly as he could to get into town and get to the church to Anna. Upon hearing his wife was having a meltdown at the church, his heart had fallen. While he knew it was eventually going to happen, he had hoped it would have been somewhere more private for Anna's sake.

Heading into the church, he could hear his wife's sobs. Isobel saw him enter and stood, with a grim expression on her face. As he reached them both, he saw Isobel shake her head.

"I'm so very sorry, Mr. Bates. I'm afraid I frightened her. She was breathing unevenly, so I tried to say hello. But when I put my hand on her shoulder, she broke."

"It wasn't your fault, Mrs. Crawley," he quickly stated, bending down as best he could to Anna's level. She was still on her knees with her hands covering her face, sobbing harshly. He glanced back up to her. "Thank you for sending for me."

"Anna, my darling," he tried. Between each sob, John could hear Anna murmur a tight please. "Please, what? What do you need?" With a gentleness, he placed a hand on Anna's back.

"Please," she cried harder. "Please. I'm so sorry."

His brows creased. "Anna, my darling. I'm here. Anna," he continued to repeat his words calmly over and over. Her shoulders shook bitterly and her small frame seemed almost breakable.

Slowly, Anna registered John's voice next to hers. Her sobs slowed, but her breaths were still sharp. Her eyes popped open and she turned to face him. As her lower lip quivered, her eyes met his.

"I….I prayed for this," she admitted, her chin wobbling. "I asked for God to take her away. It….it was my fault."

"No, my darling, _no_," he strongly stated. "Anyone in your position would have prayed for similar. You aren't to blame for that. You…."

"But I asked for it," Anna cried. John sighed.

"No," he repeated with complete sincerity. "It isn't your fault."

Anna didn't respond. Instead, her arms wrapped tightly around him and she pressed her head into the nook of his neck, before she began to sob again.

_**To be continued...**_

_This may be the last chapter until sometime in early January. I have one more day to work on something, but I also have a lot to do before going out of town later this week. I also have a new story idea buzzing in my head that I may work on an introductory chapter on (or maybe not, because I really do **not** need to start a new story right now, lol). Please let me know what you think! Soon all stories will be on a brief hiatus for the holidays, but I may sneak a one shot or two during my break ;). Thank you all for your support and have a wonderful Holiday season! _


	16. Chapter 16

**_Thank you all for your kind reviews and follows! I hope you continue to enjoy the story. Here is just a super short chapter to hopefully hold you over until I return in January! Enjoy! _**

**Chapter 16**

John tucked Anna safely into his arms. Her small frame fit perfectly onto his lap. He wasn't sure how long the two of them had been in the church, but her sobs had just begun to subside. The aftershocks of her cries made her body shake harshly within his embrace. He tightened his grip of her and pulled her closer to his chest.

Anna's hand came up to rest upon his chest and she dug her fingers into his shirt, pressing her face against his neck. His jaw tightened, as fresh tears wet his skin. He knew she needed this release of sadness to allow herself to let it all out. But he hadn't expected the amount of despair he felt in her against him. It only made his hatred for Alex Green to grow even stronger. _He_ was the one who had done this to his wife; _he_ had taken everything from her.

Moments later, Anna had gone quiet. Every few seconds a broken sob would escape her lips, but she would then go silent again. John began to run his hand up and down her back and sighed.

"I…..I want to go home," Anna shuddered. John's hand rested on her lower back and he nodded.

"Okay," he said, his voice hoarse. Anna slowly lifted her head and met John's eyes. If his heart was broken before, it was shattered now. All the light was gone from her eyes; they were dark and full of despair. John felt his lip quiver slightly and he bit down on his lower lip to still it. He reached his hand up to her face to gently wipe some of the tears away.

"Let's go home," he murmured.

Anna climbed out of his lap and used the bench in front of her to keep herself steady. Standing up beside her, John gave Anna his arm and helped to lead her out of the church. He hoped they weren't met with nosy stares when they stepped out of the building. Thankfully, no one was outside.

The walk home was a quiet one. The aftershocks had finally subsided and Anna wasn't speaking. She did, however, hold on tightly to his arm. Her fingers were wrapped firmly around his upper arm, as if he was her life support. He guessed in many ways he was.

When they finally reached the cottage, they found a small basket sitting at the front of the door. Anna's lips twitched at the sight of it, but she didn't bend down to pick it up. John unlocked the front door and led Anna in before grabbing the basket with his free hand. Lifting it up, John saw a quick note scribbled by Mrs. Patmore.

_Just a little something for dinner. _

John glanced into the basket and saw some sandwiches and biscuits for them to have for dinner. Mrs. Hughes must have informed Mrs. Patmore that Anna was having a hard time. He did hope, however, that just how bad things had gone hadn't spread all throughout the Abbey. That was the absolute last thing Anna needed.

"Mrs. Patmore made us some sandwiches," John informed Anna. Her head bobbed up and down, but her eyes were focused back on the hole in her sleeve. John placed the basket onto the table and took a few steps closer to Anna.

"Would you like me to make you a plate of food?" John offered. Anna's fingers dug deeply into the hole and she tugged it wider. Gently, John wrapped his hand around her wrist to stop her. Anna's eyes slowly moved up and met his. "Are you hungry?" He tried again.

"No," Anna whispered, her eyes quickly dropping back down to the hole. Her body shook slightly, as a shiver ran down her spine. John's hands came up to her shoulders and he rubbed his hands against her to warm her up.

"I'll start a fire," he said. Anna's head shook.

"I….I'm fine."

"You're shivering," John countered. "Why don't you sit down and I'll start a fire? I can grab you a blanket. Come, sit on the settee."

Anna was too emotionally exhausted to disagree, so she allowed John to set her up by the fire. He placed a blanket over her lap and put pillows behind her back, before starting up a fire in the fireplace. Once he was done with that, he went into the kitchen and plated the sandwiches for them to eat by the fire.

By the time he was back into the sitting room, it was filled with the warmth from the fire. Anna was curled up under the blanket and staring into the flames. When John handed her the plate, she sat up slightly and placed it in her lap.

"Thank you," she muttered. As John settled down into the settee next to her, Anna rested her head back down onto her hands. John sighed.

"We can go to bed if you'd like," he told her. Anna's head shook.

"The fire's just started," she quietly replied. She sat up, moving the plate off her lap and onto the chair next to the settee. Then she maneuvered herself so that her head was resting against John's arm. "I'd like to just sit here with you for a little while, if that's alright."

"My darling, that is always alright with me."

With the way Anna was laying on him, John was unable to eat his food. He didn't mind. He was glad that Anna was willing to lean on him again. While he knew she was heartbroken, at least she was letting him in. His arm lifted, allowing Anna to rest her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. It wasn't long until Anna had fallen asleep. The day had taken a lot out of her. John sighed. With his leg, he was unable to lift her and take her up the stairs to the bed.

Knowing she needed the sleep, he decided to just sit there with her until the fire burned out. Only then would he wake her and have her go upstairs. For now, he would just enjoy being able to hold her within his arms.

_To be continued..._

_**Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! May whatever you celebrate, if you celebrate, be a fun and magical time for you! From this point on my stories will be on hiatus until early January. (I may sneak in a one shot between that time...but we will see, no promises.) Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this update even though it was super short. See you again next year ;)! **_


	17. Chapter 17

_**Hey everyone! I am back from my trip. I will try to get all my stories updated this week, but I cannot make promises. I have a house to get back together and kids to get back on a regular routine. However, I will try my best! Thank you all for sticking with me. If I didn't thank you personally for your review, I apologize and I just want to thank you! Enjoy!**_

**Chapter 17**

Opening her eyes, Anna quickly noted how dry and raw they felt from all the crying she had done earlier. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness and she realized she was in her bed being held strongly by John's arms. She wasn't sure when she had come upstairs. The last thing she remembered was being on the settee with John and watching the fire burn.

Her hand came up to her cheek and she could feel the dried tracks from the tears. Suddenly, she was overwhelmed by everything. How would she and John ever get past any of this? There had been some hope before the loss of the baby, but now she wasn't so sure. She felt so lost, so disheartened. John deserved more.

Slowly, she sat up. At her movements, John's eyes fluttered open. Concern quickly covered his face and he sat up.

"Anna? Are you alright?" His right hand came up to rest on her cheek and Anna nodded against his hand.

"I….I just woke up. I'm sorry I bothered you," she murmured. John's head shook. Anna felt as fresh tears filled her eyes. Now that the damn had been broken, Anna wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop crying. A tear escaped her eyelid and fell against John's thumb. He wiped the tear away and swallowed hard.

"You didn't bother me," he quietly responded. "And I always want you to bother me, if you need me."

Anna chewed briefly on the edge of her lip. A few more tears slipped down her cheeks and she sighed, before shaking her head.

"I…I don't know who I am anymore, John. My heart is broken and has been ripped into shreds. I thought if I could pretend like I was okay, that everything would magically get better, but it didn't." Her lower lip quivered slightly and she closed her eyes, her body shaking as sobs tried to escape her lips.

John's arms came protectively around her and pulled her closer to him. Once again, he was filled with a deep hatred for Alex Green. His wife's heartbreak was all that man's fault. He had taken so much from the purest person on Earth. The man deserved to suffer for eternity for what he did to Anna.

Tucking her head against his chest, John sighed. He wished there was a way to take away all of her hurt and pain. Gently, he pressed his lips against the top of her head.

"What if we went on a holiday?" John mentioned, the idea hitting him quickly.

"A holiday?" Anna asked against his chest. She placed her hand against his chest and sat up slightly, glancing up to meet his eyes.

"I think we are due for one. Lord Grantham is still in America and I'm sure Lady Mary won't mind. Getting away from Downton could do us both some good." Anna pondered John's words and slowly nodded.

"Where will we go?"

"Wherever you wish, my darling," he replied. Anna yawned. "Let's get back to sleep. We can discuss it more in the morning."

"I love you," Anna sincerely stated with a twist of her lips. "I don't deserve you and your patience."

Both of John's hands came up to rest on Anna's cheeks and he shook his head sharply.

"No, no, Anna. You deserve the world. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but we will get past this. You and I will have happiness again, I promise."

Anna's hand came up to rest upon his and she nodded. "I…I hope that's true."

"It is. Now, let's go to sleep."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The next few days passed quickly. They had discussed their trip plans with Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Carson, and Lady Mary. Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes were both exceptionally happy about this idea. They agreed that both Anna and John needed the time away from the area. Time away would be good for them both.

During the week leading up to their holiday, Anna went back to work, but only part-time. She only went to help Lady Mary in the evenings. She avoided most of the downstairs staff. It wasn't that she was afraid of them, but she was too tired to put up any sort of pretense. Yet, at the same time, she didn't want to fall into tears in front of them all, either. With Lady Mary, she felt less pressure. There was also a familiarity that made it comfortable to be with her that week. Mary asked her questions all about her holiday and told her not to rush back, no matter what.

"I'll be just fine without you, enjoy yourself. You deserve it."

"Thank you, m'lady. I do hope it is fun for John. He's been so patient with me," Anna quietly said, as she adjusted a pin in Lady Mary's hair.

"Because he loves you," Mary replied.

"He does," Anna agreed. Her lips faltered slightly. She was a little anxious about the upcoming trip with her husband. While she knew she needed the time away, she worried what all he expected during this holiday. He would never force anything on her; she knew that. But she worried he was hopeful of a reconnection. The last thing she wanted to do was to disappoint him. It seemed all she could do lately.

"What's wrong?" Mary asked, reading Anna's expression. In an attempt to cover up her feelings, Anna shook her head and forced out a smile.

"Nothing, m'lady. I'm fine. Is there anything else you need from me?" Mary's eyes narrowed and Anna could tell she didn't quite believe her. However, Anna was grateful when Mary decided to drop it.

"No, thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

It felt strange boarding a train with just her husband with no obligations of caring for anyone other than themselves. As they sat into their seats, Anna felt as though some of the weight was lifting itself off her shoulders. For the next week and a half, it would just be her and John. There would be no prying eyes or people dropping by her house to check on her.

Her hand reached over and grabbed John's. She squeezed it and offered him the slightest of smiles.

"What's all this for?" He questioned, his own lips curling up into a smile. Whenever he saw his wife happy, it made him happy.

"I am just glad you're mine," she honestly replied. "I'm excited about our holiday."

John squeezed her hand back and his grin widened. "I'm glad you're mine," he repeated back to her. "And me too." Anna shifted so she was closer to her husband. She offered him another small smile, before pulling her book out of her bag next to her.

The train ride to London would take over four hours. Thankfully, they both had packed plenty of books to keep them busy for the ride. Once they got there, they were staying in a small bed and breakfast near Piccadilly. For them, it was a more expensive holiday than they would usually take. However, John insisted they go all out. They had the money in their savings and were not digging too deep into it. Lady Mary had wanted to cover the lodging expenses, but John wouldn't hear of it.

"I booked us somewhere special for dinner tomorrow evening," John informed Anna. He had planned on making it a surprise, but found that he was having a hard time keeping it a secret. Anna looked up from her book and gave him a wicked grin.

"Is that so, Mr. Bates? And do I get to know where this place is?" There was a slight brightness in her eyes and it made John's heart skip a beat. He hadn't seen her this light in a while. It was nice to see glimpses of a joyful Anna.

"No, it's a surprise."

"It's not nice to tease," Anna playfully replied. John gave her a wink, but shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, my darling. You'll have to wait and see tomorrow."

"Silly beggar."

The two chuckled lightly and Anna leaned in slightly against John's shoulder. It felt nice, she mused. For these few moments, she felt like herself again. Perhaps John was right, maybe one day they would find that happiness again. Maybe one day her heart wouldn't feel as though it was in a million pieces.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When the two of them arrived in London, they decided to drop their things off at the bed and breakfast. Afterwards, they went for a walk around town. The two of them didn't have any plans for the afternoon. There were a lot of shops and Anna enjoyed to window shop. She didn't want to spend any money on any things. They were already spending enough on this holiday.

In one of the shops they went into, her heart stopped. There was a corner of the shop filled with baby things. Her body tensed and she swallowed hard. John seemed to sense her hesitation. He paused and glanced over at her. Upon seeing her face, he sighed. It had grown pale and her eyes were locked on a small stuffed lamb.

"Let's go somewhere else," John offered. He gently took a hold of her elbow, but Anna pulled away. Slowly, she stepped toward the corner of the store. Her hand reached out for the lamb and she brought it up to her chest. Almost immediately, her eyes filled with tears.

"Anna….." John felt lost.

"Lambs mean pure," Anna murmured, as her fingers ran over the small stuffed lamb's head. "I don't understand how…." Her words faded and John watched as she shook her head and placed the lamb back down on the display. With the tips of her fingers, Anna wiped the edges of her eyelids.

"Would you like to get the lamb?" John asked. Watching his wife carefully, he could see she was debating his question. He knew she was connecting the tiny stuffed lamb to Katie; to the innocent little girl who had been created in a moment of horror.

"No," Anna whispered, but John didn't believe her. The tightness in her voice gave her away.

"We can get it to remember…."

"I said, no, John," Anna replied, tersely. "Now, let's go find something to eat. I am hungry."

The two walked around Piccadilly and found a place to eat. For the rest of their day, an awkwardness had come back between them. John knew it was because of the lamb. Anna had been brought back to what had happened to her and to what she had lost. It broke his heart.

When it was getting closer to sundown, they walked back to their lodging for the evening. Turning the corner toward the bed and breakfast, John reached his hand out to open the door for Anna. She walked in front of John and stepped inside. However, just as John was about to do the same, a familiar face caught John's gaze. John felt his hand tighten around the handle of the door and his cheeks flush slightly with anger.

There standing across the street looking right at Anna was Alex Green. Anna, thankfully, didn't notice, because she was facing the opposite direction. John watched as Alex ran his eyes up and down Anna's frame and then turn his eyes to John. A wicked grin grew on his lips and he tipped his hat to John, before stepping away.

"John?" Anna asked, turning to face him. "Are you coming inside?" Seeing John's face, her lips twisted in worry. "What's happened?"

"Nothing, my darling," he lied with a smile on his lips. "I just saw something floating down the road." Then he stepped into the doorway. He glanced back out the door but there was no longer a sign of Green.

**To be continued...**

_**This story is coming to an end. It is falling back in line with the show timeline soon. Thank you for reading and I hope to update it and my other stories shortly! **_


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Ever since they had gotten back to the bed and breakfast, John had been distant. Anna noticed it right away. His hands had continually tapped against whatever he was near and his eyes kept glancing out of the windows, as if he was searching for a ghost.

Anna wondered if his behavior was because of how she reacted in the store after seeing the stuffed lamb. Perhaps, he was concerned she was about to break again. At the moment, he was standing in front of the window glaring down at the sidewalk below. His arm was perched up next to the window and his eyes staring intensely. Anna twisted her lips, before gaining up the courage to step up behind him. She rested her hand on his lower back and looked down to where he was looking. The road below was empty.

"John," Anna cautiously asked. Upon realizing his wife was next to him, John straightened up and turned so that he was blocking Anna's view. He forced a smile on his lips and took Anna's hand into his own.

"Yes, my darling?"

Anna's lips fell into a straight, worried line and she cocked her head to the side slightly.

"You're acting as though you've seen a ghost," Anna finally stated. John's head swiftly shook and he led her away from the window.

"Oh no, no. I was just…enjoying the view," he lied. Anna's brows furrowed.

"John, don't lie to me. Is…is this because of how I acted in the shop when I saw the lamb? I…I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just….."

"_No_," John strongly comforted. "You don't have anything to apologize for. I think that maybe it just hit me strongly, too." And in many ways he wasn't lying. Seeing all of the baby things were a harsh reminder of what they had lost and what his wife had been through. At his confession, Anna stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his broad frame. She tucked her head under his chin and her hands dug into his skin.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against him. "I know I am not the only one hurting." John's hands sought her back and he held her even tighter to him. "You…You loved her and you didn't have to. I….." Anna's words faded into his chest. John could feel his shirt growing damp from her tears.

"I did," John disagreed. "I did have to, because she was yours. I would always love any part of you. I know that with the depths of my heart, Anna."

John felt as Anna's body shook from a harsh sob. She slowly lifted her head up to glance up at John.

"Ours. She was ours," Anna strongly stated and John nodded in response.

"Ours," he repeated. Anna's eyes closed, as her head rested back upon John's chest. Even though they had spoken before of the baby being theirs, today felt different. There was a sort of release of any of the dark ideas inside of Anna's head and Green no longer had any hold of the little girl she held in her heart. His hold on her disappeared.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That night John couldn't sleep. His thoughts were stuck on Alex Green. Of all the places in the world, why did he have to be here? John worried what would happen if Anna saw him. Anna had come so far, but still had so much further to go. Seeing Green would only make things much worse for her.

Carefully rolling away from Anna, John perched himself up and climbed out of the bed. He watched her cautiously, but she didn't move. Her breaths were still even and he was sure she was asleep.

As he had been doing earlier, John went up to the window and glanced down. His heart tightened in his chest, before it began to race harshly. Alex Green was standing right below and staring up at the building. He knew Anna was in here. John glanced back at Anna and then went to grab his jacket. He couldn't just leave Alex Green alone like this. He wasn't going to allow the man to harass his wife.

"John" Anna groggily questioned, turning in the bed. John quickly peppered a couple of kisses on her cheek and nuzzled his nose against her ear.

"Shh, I'm just going to go to the restroom. I'll be right back." His words seemed to satisfy Anna, because within just a few seconds Anna was back asleep.

John exited their room and locked it behind him. It didn't want to leave any chance for that man to get near his wife again.

As soon as John stepped outside, he was glad to see that Green was still standing outside. His eyes fell to John's and the man scoffed.

"Well, isn't it a surprise to see you here, Mr. Bates," the man said with a sneer.

"You need to go away," John warned. He had promised Anna he wouldn't do anything, so this was Green's once chance to leave. It was taking every ounce of his willpower not to knock his head harshly against the rocky road.

"This is public property, Mr. Bates," Green smirked.

"Leave now, or else…."

"Or else what, Mr. Bates?" John's anger grew every time Green taunted him with his own name. John took a few steps forward and balled his fists up at his sides.

"You will leave my wife alone," John informed Green. "If you even think to come near her again, I will kill you."

Green only grinned. John sighed, but he turned away from Green. He needed to get back up to Anna. But before he could walk away, Green spoke again.

"A man has the right to know about his child."

John tightened his jaw, before turning back toward Green. Anger flashed in his eyes and he took several quick steps toward Green.

"You have no right to anything. You're a coward that enjoys overpowering women." His hand was ready to punch Green in his jaw, but the only thing holding him back was the woman upstairs who needed him.

The sneer on Green's face didn't flinch and he only chuckled slightly under his breath.

"Is that what she told you? Oh my, Mr. Bates. I am sorry to inform you, but your wife was quite the willing whore."

John's anger could no longer be controlled. He grabbed Green up by his lapels and pressed him back against the building behind him. Finally a flicker of fear passed over Green's features.

"You listen, you son of a bitch, you will not come near me or my wife again. Next time, you won't be given a second chance to stay away." John harshly dropped Green to ground and watched as Green struggled to get up and then ran away. He prayed it was enough to keep him far from Anna. The man deserved nothing less than death, but he had promised Anna and right now she needed him.

When John got back to the bedroom, he quickly climbed back into the bed next to Anna. She curled up into him and her hand came up to rest upon the middle of his chest. She froze slightly and her eyes fluttered open.

"Your heart is racing," she said, concerned. John pressed a kiss to the top of her head and shook his head.

"It's alright, my darling. I had to walk the stairs. I'm fine. Go back to bed."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The next day, John found himself glancing all around to ensure that Alex Green wasn't anywhere nearby. He wondered if he had made the right call by not hurting Alex Green significantly. Perhaps he should have killed the bastard. That was the only way he would have known for certain he couldn't hurt his wife again.

"John?" Anna asked, they were walking down the square. John grabbed Anna's hand and gave it a loving squeeze.

"Sorry, my love. I've been somewhere else these past two days. Would you like to go to a picture?" Anna's head shook.

"No," Anna replied. "I…I think I might like to go back and get that lamb," she admitted. John glanced over at her and offered her a smile.

"You're the strongest person, I know," John sincerely stated. Anna giggled slightly and shook her head.

"Because I'm buying a stuffed lamb?"

"No," John replied, his eyes narrowing. "Because with all you've been through, you still don't give up."

Anna's lips twisted slightly and she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know about that."

"I do," John strongly stated. Anna smiled and the two made their way back to the shop where the lamb was being sold. Anna walked right to it and grabbed it, holding it tight to her chest.

"Is it silly?" She questioned John, with the lamb tight in her hands.

"Is what silly?"

"Buying a stuffed lamb for a child who will never use it?" Her lower lip quivered, as John brushed a stray hair off her cheek.

"Not at all," he assured her. "It's a memory." Anna nodded and then her lips curled up into a small smile.

"For Katie," she said and John smiled. It was the first time she had said her name aloud outside of her nightmare.

"For Katie," he copied. "For our daughter."

"Our girl."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Later that day as the two walked through the square, Anna got excited to find a booth selling penny licks. Anna dragged John over to the booth and insisted they both get one. John chuckled, but couldn't deny Anna. The excitement on her face made his heart burst. It was the happiest he had seen her in a long time. And for a few moments he forgot about the threat of Alex Green somewhere in the area.

He handed Anna hers and then began to eat his own. Anna locked her free arm into John's and happily began to eat her treat.

"I haven't had any of these in ages," Anna informed John. He turned to look at her and chuckled as he saw remnants of it on her cheek. Deciding he didn't care about what was considered decent behavior in public, John bent over and kissed the ice cream off her cheek. Anna heartily laughed. Once again, John's heart burst.

Suddenly, they heard a loud crash and screams across the way. Both John and Anna rushed their steps to see what all of the commotion was about.

When they reached the spot, they saw a man's body on the road.

"He…he just tumbled in the way," an innocent person who had witnessed the event cried. The person driving the bus stumbled out of his door and glanced down at the man with horror on his face.

"You shouldn't have to see this," John quickly said to Anna. But before he could say anything else, someone turned the body onto its back and there staring back at them was Alex Green. He was the one who had been hit by the bus and he was dead.

"Anna…." John murmured, but Anna was already taking a few more steps forward. Her eyes were transfixed on Green's face.

"He…he's dead," she said, not able to look away.

"He is," John agreed. Anna's body shook next to his and he glanced at her, as tears filled her eyes.

"He can never hurt me again," she murmured.

"He can't."

Anna's hand came up to cover her mouth and she slowly allowed her lips to curl into a relieved smile. She then retook John's hand with her own and gave it a squeeze.

"Let's go and enjoy our penny licks down the square."

**_To be continued..._**

**_This story has probably two more parts left. I have debated continuing it through to the end of the series, but I think for now I will end it at the end of the season 4 Christmas special. I just have so many stories going on and I need to focus on those too. Also, this story is about to come to a good stopping point. Thank you! And as always, please let me know what you think! _**


	19. Chapter 19

**_I was wrong. This story only had one more installment. I thought it had two, but as I wrote the story wrapped itself up into a neat little bow almost, lol. Thank you all for coming along with me on this journey! Enjoy! _**

**Chapter 19 **

Anna's fingers ran along the top of John's chest and they twiddled with the buttons at the top of his nightgown. Her head was pressed right below his jaw and she thought about how safe and secure she felt within his arms.

The two were still in London and it had been nearly a week since the death of Green. Upon seeing his body on the road, Anna felt a sense of relief fill her body. There had been a fear deep down that he would come back and hurt her again. Even though John had promised to protect her, she knew what evils Green could do. She knew he would know how to find her unprotected. He had done it before and she feared he would do it again. But that fear was no longer there, because Alex Green was now gone.

"I…." Anna started, she maneuvered her head so that she could see John's face. "I'd like to go see Katie when we go back home."

"If you'd like," he replied.

"I would," Anna said with a nod. "And I….I'm sorry for snapping at you when you said you made a place for her. I was…"

"Shhh," John soothed, cupping her chin with hand. "You don't need to apologize for anything, my darling."

"But I was so awful to you. I….."

"Shh," John repeated. His thumb caressed her cheek and he brought their foreheads to touch. Anna's eyes closed and she allowed a few tears to escape her lids. "You had just lost your daughter…."

"Our daughter," Anna corrected, her lower lip trembling slightly at the weight of everything around them. John's lips twitched up into a smile.

"Our daughter," he agreed. Anna inched her head up slightly and took John's lips within her own. Her arms snaked around his neck and she pulled him into a deeper kiss. When she parted her lips to dip her tongue into his mouth, John moaned in appreciation.

Anna crept up. As their tongues came together, Anna positioned herself on top of John's lap. His hands ran down her sides and rested on her hips. Breathlessly, he sat himself back and met her eyes.

"What…what…." He muttered. Anna's head shook and she rolled her hips against his, making him make a low growl.

"I want this," she told him, her fingers beginning to unbutton his gown. John's hands rested upon hers to pause her momentarily.

"Are you sure? I don't want you doing anything unless _you_ want to."

"You have been here with me every step of the way, John. You were going to raise a child that wasn't your own, because you love me. Now, I want to take back something that was stolen from us. I want to reconnect with you. Please, John." Her cheeks were flushed and lips parted slightly. John dropped his hands from hers and placed them back onto her hips, allowing her to begin to undress him.

John ran one of his hands up her side and paused it on her shoulder. His finger hooked into her sleeve and he began to tug it off her shoulder. For a brief moment, he paused.

"If at any time you want to stop, we will," John strongly stated. "Promise me you will let me know if it becomes too much."

"I will," Anna said, her breaths sharpening. Her hand came over his and brought his hand to her lips. "These hands are loving hands. These hands bring me comfort and joy. You would never hurt me." Then she dropped his hand back to her sleeve and gave him a nod to finish what he had started.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

In the glow of the moonlight, John contently sighed. Anna had just given him the highest level of trust. His finger drew lazy circles against her hip and his lips lingered against her hairline.

"Did….did I feel different?" Anna quietly asked, her voice just below a whisper. It was so quiet that John had to take a moment to process what he had heard. His finger hooked under her chin and lifted her head up, while shaking his head sharply.

"You felt like Anna," he answered. His lips curled up into a soft smile and he ran his fingers over her lips. "It was wonderful. I couldn't be happier."

"Truly?" There was a hint of worry within Anna's voice and John sighed. He hated this for her. It didn't matter that he was dead; the snake was still messing with his wife's head.

"Truly," came another strong answer. "It was better than ever before, Anna, because of the trust you allowed me. Did you enjoy it?" Now it was his time to worry. The last thing he wanted to do was push her into something uncomfortable for her, but thankfully Anna smiled and nodded.

"I did," she ran her fingers through the hair on his chest. "I missed this; being with you at an intimate level."

"Me too, my darling," John agreed.

"Thank you," Anna murmured, as her lips opened wide with a yawn.

"For what?"

"For everything," she replied, before resting her head back on his chest. John allowed his hand to fall to her shoulder and he pressed kisses upon the top of her head.

"However, whatever, whenever, my love."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Before heading to the church bazaar at Downton Abbey, John took Anna to the cemetery. They had arrived back into town only a few hours before and had forgotten all about the bazaar the family held outside of their grounds. Neither of them were expected to be there, so they didn't feel the need to rush back.

When they reached the small marker for Katie, Anna brought herself down to her knees. Her fingers ran over the letters and fresh tears began to fall down her pale cheeks.

"You gave her Anne as a middle name?"

"After her mother," John explained.

"And the name Bates?"

"Of course," John easily replied. "She's a Bates."

Anna's lip quivered slightly and she brought her hand up to her cheek to wipe away some of the tears.

"Katie Anne Bates," she murmured. "I….I love it, truly." She told John, though her eyes remained on the small marker in the grass.

"Here," John said, handing Anna a small package. Anna's brows furrowed in confusion, but she took the package from John's hand. There was yellow ribbon tied around the black box. Gingerly, she untied the ribbon, before pulling off the lid. Her breath caught in her throat and more tears began to fall. Inside was a small stone lamb. She lifted the lamb up and held it tightly in her hands.

"I thought that perhaps, if you wanted, you could set it by her grave since you already have the stuffed one to remember her by at home."

Anna brought the small lamb to her lips and closed her eyes. "I love you, Katie," she whispered, before setting the lamb on top of the marker. She allowed her hand to linger over Katie's name for a few moments, before she stood. Her hand folded over John's and she squeezed it lovingly.

"Thank you," she told him. "It was perfect for her."

"Whenever we see lambs from here on out, we will be able to remember our Katie," John said. Anna nodded, her tears beginning to quell.

"I love you, Mr. Bates," Anna said, lifting herself upon her toes to press a kiss against his cheek.

"I love you, too, Mrs. Bates," he replied. "Shall we go to the bazaar now?"

"Yes," Anna agreed, her lips curling into a smile. She locked her arm with his and the two began their walk back to Downton Abbey.

For a brief moment, Anna turned her head back to the small marker in the grass. A flash of auburn hair passed by and she could have sworn she saw a small girl playing in a field of lambs. For the first time in a long time, the sight of the small girl made her heart leap with joy. Her memories of the girl no longer held a darkness of _him_ over her, because she was theirs and not _his_. And they were going to find happiness and begin to dream again.

**The End**

_**In the future, this story may carry on into season 5 and 6. However, in case I don't get back to it with all my other stories I'm working on, I'd like to put an end here. But maybe one day in the future it will return with a part 2. Thank you all for reading and the support! **_


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